Sky Mall

Sky Mall


– Anybody here ever traveled and you’re on the airline and they have that SkyMall magazine? (audience agrees) You know SkyMall, I’ve got one right here. You will love this. Okay, SkyMall magazine. Now what you guys don’t know, if you haven’t seen this, but do you guys realize
that if you were to purchase everything in this magazine, your life would be perfect. (audience laughs) I’m not kidding you. This is the solution to all your problems. Do you know I read this carefully and it guaranteed that I would have luck, courage, hope, love,
strength, inspiration, motivation, confidence,
wisdom, and patience. Those are the things guaranteed
to me by items in here. (audience laughs) Now who wouldn’t want all that? Wouldn’t everybody here love that? (audience cheers) Anybody that’s not enough for? Well, if it’s not enough for you, I’ll tell you what else they guarantee. You’ll be slimmer, smarter, safer, sexier, and you will stand straighter
from things you buy in here. (audience laughs) That’s the six S’s right there. Slimmer, sexier, stand taller, I mean, who wants more than this. But wait, there’s more. (audience laughs) You’ll be more beautiful,
you’ll have a better body, you’re gonna breathe better,
you’re gonna sleep better, you’re gonna have better
hair, have more hair, or- – [Audience Member] No hair! – Where desired, no hair. (audience laughs) You’ve got it, you’ve been
reading this haven’t you? (audience laughs) And not only that. You’re gonna have no
unsightly moles or skintags. (audience laughs) I mean whole wants moles
and skintags, come on! They’ve got stuff to remove those, and not only that, you won’t have any mosquitoes, bugs, or rodents in your house. (audience laughs) But wait, there’s more. Your feet aren’t gonna
hurt, your arches are gonna be lifted, you won’t have any
bunions or plantar fascitis. And, you’re gonna have
some great looking shoes to go on your feet that are
gonna make you healthier and live longer. (audience laughs) And not only that, 17 different
ways to store those shoes. (audience laughs) I mean, things you’ve
never even thought about like stuff you can put in your living room to put your shoes in. (audience laughs) I never even thought of putting
my shoes in my living room until I saw this magazine. (audience laughs) But wait, there’s more. (audience laughs) Do you know your home is
gonna be better organized, it’s gonna be cleaner,
it’s gonna be safer. You’re gonna have more space, and it’s gonna be full of things you never even knew you needed or even knew existed until
you read this magazine. (audience laughs) Anybody that this is not enough for? (audience laughs) But wait, there’s more. (audience laughs) Your home is gonna be
not only better organized but your kitchen is gonna
be so well organized and I’m gonna use a quote
that they gave here. That they’re gonna give you gadgets that are going to help release
your quote “inner chef” (audience laughs) so that you can slice and dice better and make more healthy
meals for your family. (audience laughs) But wait, there’s more. You’re gonna have happier pets and you’re gonna be a happier pet owner. I mean, have you seen the
stuff for pets in here? You can have a canopy bed for your animal. I mean it’s beautiful, it looks like, I don’t even know, Lady
Di could’ve had this bed. (audience laughs) And there’s little steps to get your pet up into your bed if you so choose. (audience laughs) And not only that, but there’s a automatic kitty litter cleaner so you don’t have to
clean the kitty litter. And there’s one kitty litter
box that’s so beautiful, it’s a piece of furniture they suggest you keep in your living room. (audience laughs) Anybody here keep their kitty litter in their living room right now? Oh one person does! See, you might be a redneck if, oh no, that’s a whole ‘nother story. (audience laughs) And not only that, but
they have a dog crate that looks like a beautiful end table for you to keep your dog
again in the living room. So you can have the cat
and the kitty litter and the dog all in your
beautiful formal parlor. (audience laughs) But wait, there’s more. How about jewelry? Do you know in this magazine, they have jewelry that is
not only just attractive, I mean, ladies, we all have
attractive jewelry, right? But they have jewelry
in here that will prove that you’re a sister that’s
loved by another sister or a daughter or a mother or best friends that all love each other and then your jewelry will show that and your jewelry is
motivational and inspirational. You can have stuff on your
arm that has little sayings and if you doesn’t motivate
you God dang it everyday looking at it, it’s gonna
motivate people around you (audience laughs) to be better people. So that’s here, too. Now, can you think of anything else you would possibly need
out of this magazine? No, I mean, this is about it, right? But no, not only that. Your business is gonna be more successful, more organized, more productive, and more motivated. And because of this, if you
should expand internationally, they have a clock and a watch that will tell you the time
everywhere in the world. (audience laughs) So you don’t have to sit at work and go “oh my God, I wonder
what time it is in Paris! Can I call Frank?” Oh, you’ll know. You’re gonna know right
now thanks to what? SkyMall magazine. Yeah. But wait, there’s more. In addition, your home might be the only one in the neighborhood that has an imitation zombie
crawling out of the ground. (audience laughs) Have you seen that on there? Or an eight foot gorilla statue. Who do you know that has that? Mamie, you know anybody that has that? No. I don’t know anybody that has that, but you could if you shop here. And, not only that, you can get a real life size Jurassic
Park dinosaur for your yard. (audience laughs) In my mobile home yard, it’s
probably too big for me, but maybe honey, we could try it. And not only that, but they have delightful dancing ducks
that you can order, there’s four of them. But one of my favorite
things that you can have if you order everything in here is a lamp that’s a life size woman’s body but in place of her head, this is so she can’t talk back to me, her head is a lampshade, but the whole thing is a body. You’ve seen the leg lamp, right? This is the whole
flippin’ body right here. And you could own this. So, you know, for the price of
all your dreams to come true, and all your problems to be solved, I mean what do you think that could cost? I mean, it’s priceless, don’t you think? (audience laughs) I would say priceless. And think back to the beginning. Luck, courage, love, hope,
inspiration, courage, motivation. What more could you need? But no, it’s not priceless. Do you know that for $98,452 (audience laughs) plus shipping and handling (audience laughs) your life could be perfect? (audience laughs) I think it’s good.

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