Black Friday

Black Friday

(eerie music) (clock ticking) (thunder rumbling) – Ahoy there, boys and girls! Hop aboard the S.S. Wiggle! We’re settin’ sail for giggles! Come on, Sniggles! (upbeat music) – Hey, everybody, we’re the
Sniggles, don’t be scared. ♪ He’s a wiggly snig,
and a sniggly wiggly ♪ ♪ A friendy-wend that makes you giggly ♪ ♪ He’s an underwater creature
from outta this world ♪ ♪ A bestest friendy-wend
to all the boys and girls ♪ ♪ He’s a wiggly wig and a snuggle-poo ♪ ♪ He’ll wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle with you ♪ – His belly’s so squishy! ♪ He’s Wiggly and he’s here to stay ♪ ♪ His belly’s squishy,
puts a smile on your face ♪ ♪ So tickle his belly-well
and he will say ♪ – I wuv you! ♪ Tickle-tickle me Wiggly ♪ – Uncle Wiley, where
does Wiggly come from? ♪ Tickle-tickle me Wiggly ♪ – Well, he’s deep down in Drowsy Town, sleepin’ the dreamless sleep of the dead! – But how are we gonna
wake him up, Uncle Wiley? – Well, you’ll just have to pick up your own Wiggly this Black Friday! ♪ Come on kids, time to gather round ♪ ♪ There’s an underwater creature
that will turn that frown ♪ ♪ He’s a friendy-wend
through thick and blue ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Wiggly wiggles with you ♪ ♪ Rub his belly-well ♪ ♪ Bounce him up and down ♪ ♪ Tell him that you love ♪ ♪ How he wiggles with you ♪ ♪ He’s all that you wanted ♪ ♪ He’s all that you needed ♪ ♪ For this holiday season ♪ ♪ This holiday season ♪ ♪ Now you’ve got a reason ♪ ♪ For fwends to come and play ♪
♪ Come and play with us ♪ ♪ You brush his hair with a comb ♪ ♪ His body’s made out of foam ♪ ♪ That’s certified laundry-safe ♪ ♪ When Wiggly takes over ♪ ♪ Your hearts and your sofa, girl ♪ ♪ Boy, the world will be a ♪ ♪ Playground full of
magics and sniggle songs ♪ ♪ And when you’re feeling down,
he’s there to sing along ♪ ♪ He’s a wiggly snig
and a best fwend too ♪ ♪ And he’ll wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ He’ll wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ He’ll wiggle his way through life ♪ – And he’s a steal at only $49.95! ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ On this Black Friday,
he will hit the shelves ♪ ♪ He’s riding Santa’s sleigh ♪ ♪ ‘Cause he’s friends with all the elves ♪ ♪ So sniggle your stocking
up for those days of 12 ♪ ♪ This Christmas wiggle with Wiggly ♪ ♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle your way through life ♪ – Yeah!
(children cheering) – [Announcer] It’s Black Friday at Hatchetfield’s Lakeside Mall, with sales so huge you’ll lose your mind! Doors open at seven a.m.! Lose your mind! Pick up a Kitchen Aide
Air-Fryer for only $54.95! Crazy! A two-piece living room set
from Miller’s for only $555.88! I just dropped dead! And fill this holiday season with giggles with the brand new Tickle-Me
Wiggly by Uncle Wiley Toys! Only $49.95 at Toy Zone! ♪ He’s a wiggly snig,
and a sniggly wiggly ♪ – Ugh. (audience laughing) – How many times are
they gonna play that ad? – I don’t know. – Emma, you know how I feel
about that musical commercial. – I know, you don’t– – I don’t like it. And I’ll tell you why. – Paul, I don’t care. – It’s these advertising firms
with their catchy jingles that worm their way into your brain, brewing up the hype, till it boils over. It’s things like Wiggly
that make Black Friday the worst shopping day of the year. – Oh, relax, it’s just a toy. – Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys, and there were riots over
those things, literally, riots. – Why? God, what even is a Cabbage Patch Kid? It’s like you’re cuttin’
into a head of lettuce and, “Oh shit, a baby!” It’s like, I wanted a salad but now I have a child. (audience laughing) What is the appeal? – What’s the appeal of Tamagotchis, or Beanie Babies, or Wiggly? It’s just mania, Emma, like a spell. – Well, we’re here, so you
can get off your soapbox. And none of that talk around Tim, okay? He’s nine, he probably wants
a Wiggly more than anything. And if we upset his son, Tom will never invite us over again. – Your brother-in-law’s a
bit of a Scrooge, isn’t he? – Yeah, well, the car crash
was last Christmas, Paul. The guy lost his wife. I mean, he is an asshole but
he’s the guy Jane married, and he and Tim are the
only family I have left. I barely know them. I’m done fucking things up, I
just need this to work, okay? – It will, he invited you over, he wants you to be a part of his life. So cheer up, it’s Christmas
time in Hatchetfield. Isn’t that fun? (doorbell rings) Hey, everything’s going to be okay, okay? – Okay.
– Okay. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) – You’re late. – It’s 6:30 in the morning. – Yeah, and I said six. But I guess you had to go to Starbucks. – Aha. (bright music) – Hey Tim. – Hi, Aunt Emma. – We missed you at Thanksgiving
yesterday, but I heard you and your dad did something
pretty cool, Pizza Pete’s? – Oh, Pizza Pete’s, that is cool! – Who are you? – I’m Paul, I’m Emma’s boyfriend? – Well, we haven’t put
a label on it yet, so. (audience laughing) – But we are intimate. (audience laughing) Uh, you know, Pete, Tom, Tim, we, I used to go to Pizza
Pete’s when I was a kid. I used to love the ball
pits, the bumper cars! – Yeah, I don’t really like
getting hit by cars anymore. – Oh, right, yeah,
because of the, uh, okay. – Uh, I mean, that
stuff’s for little kids. Pizza Pete’s is all
about the games, right? – Yeah, Mom and I used
to play Zombie House, but Dad can’t ’cause he’s
not supposed to hold a gun. (audience laughing) Not even a fake one, he gets flashbacks. – What are you tellin’ them? I do not get flashbacks, I
remember bad things vividly. (audience laughing) – Tom did two tours in Iraq. – Oh, thank you for your service. – I didn’t do it for you. (audience laughing) And I coulda played the damn zombie game, but I was over at the ski ball machine trying to win tickets to help you get that RC car you wanted. – I wanted to have fun. – Ski ball is fun. – Ski ball sucks. – Well, hey, we’re gonna
have fun today, huh. We brought DVDs, games, we got leftovers. Everything you need for
a belated Turkey Day. – All right, you guys are
gonna have a good time. Hopefully you’ll only have
to watch Tim for a few hours. – Oh, when you called, I thought that we, (scoffs) I see. This is not a family Thanksgiving
thing, I am babysitting. – Yeah, Grace is outta town and I couldn’t find another sitter. I wouldn’t have texted you guys unless I had any other option, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be quick so you
can get the hell outta here. – Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. – Dad, I thought we were
all gonna be here together. – Well, I have to go
somewhere important, okay? – Where? – For you information, I need
a new blade for my bandsaw. – Yeah, that’s real important. – Hey, Tim, Tim. – Wow, great priorities, Tom. First the tools, then the kid. – I didn’t say that. – What are you gonna do for his birthday? Leave him at home and take
the drill press to Six Flags? – I don’t have a drill press. And even if I did, how
would it fit into the Sedan? I had to say something because I didn’t wanna ruin the surprise. I’m going to the mall to get
Tim’s Christmas present, okay? It’s this new doll everybody’s
been talking about. This little monster that you tickle. – Oh my god, Tom, you’re
getting Tim a Tickle-Me-Wiggly? – Shh, yeah. – He’s gonna flip. You must’ve pre-ordered that
thing like six months ago! – Nah, Toy Zone doesn’t do pre-orders, it’s first come, first served, so. – Oh, do you have someone
holding your place in line? – What do you mean line? It’s 6:30, I’m gonna get there 10 minutes before the doors even open. – Tom, I know you’ve been
kind of shut in for a while, so you might not grasp
the demand for this doll. – My buddy, Bill, tried to get one online. The orders are so backed up, the earliest he can get one is next Christmas. Not this Christmas, next Christmas, maybe. – You should’ve been in line last night. – He should’ve been in line last week. – Are you guys pulling my chain? – Tom, at this point, I wouldn’t even bother going down there. – Goddammit, Jane would’ve
had all this worked out. – You could get him like a Nintendo. – He doesn’t want that,
he wants this doll! Is that so much to ask for? Last Christmas, this kid lost
more than any kid deserves. You wanna know what he was
doing this time last year? He was sledding, with his mother. Now he’s… This kid deserves to
have one fucking thing that he asked for. So I’m not coming back into this house without one of those dolls in my hand. Because I will be goddamned if he does not have a
merry fucking Christmas! And a happy New Year! (somber piano music) ♪ What Tim wants, Tim will get ♪ ♪ Anything that he wants, he can have it ♪ ♪ Even now it’s a dream ♪ ♪ The kind that makes
you question reality ♪ ♪ The fact you don’t wake up
is no accident it seems to me ♪ ♪ Someone’s gotta pay for it ♪ ♪ He used to like cars ♪ ♪ Tonka trucks and ships that
could show you the stars ♪ ♪ I couldn’t hold him
still to teach him guitar ♪ ♪ Oh no, he just wasn’t having it ♪ ♪ And then flash-bang-Jane ♪ ♪ Flash-bang-nothing’s the same ♪ ♪ What Tim wants, Tim will get ♪ ♪ Anything that he wants, he can have it ♪ ♪ All I need is some time ♪ ♪ All I need is a break from the madness ♪ ♪ After all, you’re my son ♪ ♪ He still lights up a room ♪ ♪ It’s just less frequently
that you catch him in bloom ♪ ♪ If there’s a god, my god,
can you see what you’ve made ♪ ♪ My god, and what I took away ♪ ♪ I hit replay on that night ♪ ♪ Over and over again, till
it gives up the fight ♪ ♪ But there’s no end, there’s no end, ♪ ♪ There’s no ending in sight ♪ ♪ My god, do I ever get that one ♪ ♪ Flash-Bang-son ♪ ♪ Flash-bang-what have I done ♪ ♪ What my son wants, my son will get ♪ ♪ Anything that he
wants, he will have it ♪ ♪ There’s nothing I can’t fix ♪ ♪ If he wants that toy,
by god I will take it ♪ ♪ ‘Cause all I know ♪ ♪ All I know is you ♪ ♪ I don’t say it enough ♪ ♪ I’m scared you blame me for Mom ♪ ♪ I’m scared you blame me for your luck ♪ ♪ But there’s no end, there’s no end ♪ ♪ There’s no end to how much I love ♪ ♪ You’ll get what you
want, you’ll get it back ♪ ♪ I’d give up both of my
arms to get you on track ♪ ♪ All I need is a smile ♪ ♪ Just give your dad a wink ♪ ♪ Yes, all I need is to get you up ♪ ♪ And towards the paradise you dream ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m your dad ♪ ♪ And you’re my son ♪ ♪ And our lives have just begun ♪ (audience cheering) Excuse me, Miss, you think
it’s okay for me to park here? – Yeah, it says no parking at any time, but I’m sure the loading trucks could just park across the street. Does that work for you? – Yeah, that’s perf, Lex? – Hey, Mr. Houston. – What are you doing? – What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m having a bud before my shift. – Hey, does your mother know you smoke? – Yeah, she lets it slide
’cause I score her weed. – Weed? Lex, I thought you were
done with all that. Last year, you were back in school. You were on top of your classes. – I was hardly valedictorian. – Well, you were doing well in my class. – Yeah, shop class. Where you get an A if you
don’t chop off your finger. – No, if you show up
and put in the effort, I’m not gonna hold an accident
like that against you. – Yeah, well, shop class was the only thing holding up my GPA. So when they canceled
shop ’cause the teacher had a family emergency, they flunked me. So I decided to follow the example of my favorite teacher
and never come back. How does it feel to be a role model? – Lex, that’s not a
very fair thing to say. – What’s it matter? School’s supposed to prepare you for the workplace, and I have a job. Or is stock girl at Toy Zone a waste of my endless potential? – Toy Zone? – Yeah, what, you have
a problem with retail? – No, no, no, no I think Toy Zone is a great place for you to work. In fact, I’m proud of you, Lex. I always thought you
had a good work ethic. – Yeah, well, if I don’t support my
drinking habit, who will? (audience laughing) – Yeah, that’s funny, listen, Lex, I’m actually here to
get a Christmas present for my son, it’s a Tickle-Me Wiggly. I didn’t realize so many people were trying to do the same thing. So do you think there’s
anything you could do? – Oh, you mean, like, put
one on the side for you? – Yeah. – Yeah, like put your name on
it, put it under the counter? Just screw over hundreds of
people that got here before you? – That would be great. – Yeah, well, you know, I could, but that would be
violating company policy. And everyone’s telling me to
be more responsible lately, so I’m gonna go with them on this one. Oh, but hey, I got an idea, you can get in line like everybody else. And I’d hurry if I were you. The line’s already backed-up to Nordstrom. – Oh, oh, no, no, no, no. To Nordstrom, ah, shit! – Wait, wait, are you
gonna leave your car there? – [Tom] Let ’em tow it! – All right, merry Christmas. – [Tom] Yeah, merry Christmas, Lex! ♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to a newborn king ♪ ♪ A fucking furry little monster ♪ ♪ That’s gonna make me a pile of cash ♪ (Frank laughs) – Right you are, good buddy. Now I just need your John
Hancock here on the dotted line. – Ah, with pleasure. – So that’s them, huh? – Yup, our own little
miracle on 34th street. Tell me, Lex, do you know why
they call it Black Friday? – Uh, because it comes after Thursday? – Cute. They call it Black Friday
because it’s the day in America when most retailers go from
being in the red, losing money, to being in the black, making money. – Well, friend-o, I have a
feeling that these little babies are gonna take you so far into the black, you ain’t ever comin’ back. (audience laughing) – (laughs) Oh, I sure hope so! – Oh, you are gonna make a killing. That is an Uncle Wiley Toys guarantee. Well, well, hello, naughty list. – Gross! – Excuse me, Alexandra, I
don’t mean to bother you or anything but do you
think I can see some hustle outta you on this, the most
important shift of your life? On this, the holiest day in America for humble merchants
across this fine nation? – If it’s a holy day, do
I get time-and-a-half? – You know, you got a
real attitude problem. You’re snippy to customers,
your no-good boyfriend is always hanging around,
you’d think a dropout with a record would be
thankful to have a job. You wanna end up like your mother? No prospects and two kids
she can’t take care of? She dropped your sister
on her head or whatever. But you, look at what a fine
job she’s done with you. – Look, Frank, do you want me to unload these things or what? – That would be nice! If our hot ticket item could
be on the shelves when we open! – Fine. – Thank you. Alexandra, do you have
something to say back to me? Something a polite young
woman might respond with? – Thank you? – No, no, no, no. Alexandra, I know this is hard
for you, but try to keep up. I say thank you, so you should say– – You’re welcome. – See, she can be taught! ♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to a newborn king ♪ ♪ Peace on Earth and lots of money ♪ ♪ Money, money, money, just for me ♪ (audience cheering) – We’ll see who’s laughin’
by the end of the day. We’ll see who’s laughin’. (eerie music) Hi, Wiggly, I’m Lex. So you’re what all the fuss is about. – Tickle my belly-well. – Huh, cute. – (giggling) That tickles. I think we’re going to be
very good friendy-wends. – I think so too, Wiggly. I think you’re gonna help me
out a lot more than you know. (suspenseful music) – Mall security, we got a
shoplifter, drop that doll! – Jesus Christ, Ethan,
you fucking asshole! – Hey, come on, it was just a goof! – Where’s my sister? – Oh no, Hannah? Is that what you’ve been
telling me every day for the past four weeks,
to pick up your kid sister? Oh, I must’ve forgot ’cause I’m so stupid! She’s right over here,
but I gotta warn you, she’s being a little snot today. Hanna, ugh, come here. Do I gotta put a leash on you, like a dog or my cousin Oliver? – Okay, don’t pull her. – I’m not. – Hey, Banana, is it a
good day or a bad day? – Bad day. – Well, I don’t know who told you that because today is a good day. You know my backpack, the
one with the pins on it? Well, today you get to wear it. – No. – See what I mean, it’s been this all day. – Why don’t you wanna wear my backpack? That makes me sad. Do you think I have a bad backpack? – I’m not supposed to. – Who says you’re not supposed to? – Webby. – Oh great, now we gotta talk to the imaginary spider from outer space. – What does Webby say? – Bad blood, cross, black and white. – Can you translate? I don’t speak crazy. – She’s not crazy, she’s creative. Come on, Hannah, I don’t
have all day for this. – No! – Okay, lemme try, lemme try. All right, Banana-split. (gentle music) You see this hat? It was gifted to me by a great warrior. (Lex laughs) Don’t you fucking laugh. (audience laughing) It’s imbued with the power of Grayskull to ward off dark magic, bad blood, backpacks, any fuckin’ thing. Now, I can lend you this
hat, just for today. And while it’s on your head,
well, nothing can harm you. – Honest? – Cross my heart, hope to die. I’d make a great dad, I’m just saying. – You’re gonna watch her
until I get off at noon, and then we’re out of this fucking town. Is everything good with the buyer? – Oh yeah, about that, there’s
been a little complication. – Shit. – So, originally, we talked about five, well, word starts to get around. And before I know it, there is
a bidding war for this thing. And we got somebody willing to pay seven. – 700 for a doll? – (chuckles) No, 7,000. – 7,000? Seven fucking thousand dollars? We’re set, we’re set! (laughs) Hannah, do you know what this means? – California? – Cali-fucking-fornia. ♪ My mom’s a bitch ♪ ♪ An alcoholic ♪ ♪ A melancholic ♪ ♪ That we keep afloat ♪ ♪ It’s time to flip the switch ♪ ♪ When the problem’s chronic ♪ ♪ Not being hyperbolic ♪ ♪ But it’s time to ghost ♪ ♪ And when the sun shines down upon me ♪ ♪ I’ll know I’m righteous, babe ♪ ♪ In this time of crisis, babe ♪ ♪ And when the sun shines down over Cali ♪ ♪ Your future’s priceless, babe ♪ ♪ The past’s a virus, babe ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we’re Califor-M.I.A. ♪ ♪ M.I.A. ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we’re Califor-M.I.A. ♪ ♪ It beats being broke ♪ ♪ In this day and ages ♪ ♪ Whats the point of wages ♪ ♪ If you can’t afford a smoke ♪ ♪ It’s not a trope ♪ ♪ I’ll be an actress ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’ve had practice ♪ ♪ Selling hope ♪ That’s not how cameras work, babe. ♪ And when the sun shines down upon us ♪ ♪ We’ll know we’re righteous, babe ♪ ♪ We survived the crisis, babe ♪ ♪ And when the sun shines down over Cali ♪ ♪ We won’t need a license ♪ ♪ ‘Cause love will drive us ♪ ♪ Oh, we’re Califor-M.I.A. ♪ ♪ Missing in action ♪ ♪ And you should buy some traction ♪ ♪ We’re Califor-M.I.A. ♪ – Dear Mom, it’s been real. Real bad. I’d say you did your
best, but I’m not a liar. – Oh, L-I-E-R, babe. – We get it, Ethan, you’re a good speller! I’m taking Hannah. As far away as we can get. I’d give you an address
but I don’t want to. Don’t write, don’t call, don’t ask. Sincerely, Lex. P.S. Get yourself a new
trailer, ’cause the one is– – [Lex And Ethan] Broke ass shit. ♪ ‘Cause we’re Califor-M.I.A. ♪ ♪ M.I.A. ♪ ♪ M.I.A. ♪ ♪ Oh, we’re Califor ♪ ♪ M.I.A. ♪ (audience cheering) (audience cheering) – [Ethan] Hannah. – (gasps) Hannah! What the fuck is this? That better be fucking floss! (audience laughing) Let’s go, I need a cigarette. – I told you to wait in the car, Gerald. You know full well why
you’re not allowed inside. Because you’re not to step within 1,000 feet of a Cinnabon, Gerald. No, I don’t believe that
you just want to smell them. Oh my god, look at this line. No, Gerald, keep the car running. I don’t wanna come out there
in 10 minutes to a cold car! Excuse me, sir, what do scissors do? – Huh? – Hello there, Linda Monroe. President of the
Hatchetfield Boating Society. Or perhaps you know my husband, Dr. Monroe of Inner-Beauty Rhinoplasty. I was wondering if you
could just step on back and I could slide in front of you. – No, I’ve been waiting here all night. – And your time is precious, I’m sure. Which is why I’m willing
to compensate you. – Look, ma’am, I can’t just
let you cut in front, oh. Thank you, Mrs. Monroe,
merry Christmas to ya. – Thanks. – Excuse me. – No, Gerald, you cannot
run across the street. I don’t care if River
has to use the bathroom. He can hold it like a man. – Excuse me! – What? Oh my god, Gerald, hold on,
Becky Barnes is accosting me. Yes, call the police! – You can’t do that, Linda,
you can’t just cut the line. – Oh, oh no, I did not cut, I bought this spot, fair and square. – It’s all right, lady, I let her in. – Because she paid you, I saw it. That’s called a bribe,
sir, and it’s illegal. Or it should be. Did you ever think about
all the people behind you? The hard-working families of Hatchetfield who are counting on a
Wiggly for the holidays? What if one of your neighbors, who’s been in line for hours, doesn’t get a doll because
of a bribe you took. Knowing it was wrong. – Come on, lady, it’s one
person, that’s one less doll. – Oh, oh no, one, no, I
need four, I have four boys. Fours beautiful blonde boys. They’re not going to share one like some junkie children with a needle. – Linda, do you really think your children are better than everyone else’s? – In so many words, yes. – Boo! – Oh, shut up, I hope
you don’t get a Wiggly. I hope you fucking die. (audience laughing) What are you doing here anyway? You don’t even have children, thank God. – For your information,
I’m here for the patients of St. Damian’s pediatrics wing. Kids who are gonna be spending this Christmas in a hospital bed. – Ew. – There’s a little girl there, Bridgette, she lost her eyesight in an
accident, a horrible accident. – Well, my children were accidents. You don’t see me pushing my
problems onto everybody else. – You know what, if I
were you, sir, I’d say, “I don’t need your money, Linda Monroe.” And I’d tear that check right in half. We’d all cheer, come on, everyone! Tear that check, tear that check! – Hey, if he doesn’t want it, I’ll take the check, she can cut me. – No, no, no, it’s my check! – See, Becky Barnes, this is Hatchetfield. Not that ra-ra, school spirit, cheerleader bullshit that you never grew out of. It’s why you stayed with Stanley, that monster husband of yours, right up until the moment he got bored and ran off. Or did you think your
neighbors didn’t notice you were wearing
sunglasses on cloudy days? Turtlenecks in the summer? Well, they knew what was
happening, they just didn’t care. And that’s why you disgust me. Not because you’re so naive,
because you’re so weak. Oh, stop crying, Gerald,
I wasn’t talking to you. (audience laughing) – Excuse me, excuse me, hey Gary, excuse me, excuse me,
sorry, excuse me, excuse me. Miss, miss, you think I
can get your spot in line, I’ve got like 20 bucks, it’s really important, it’s for my kid. Becky Barnes. – Oh my god, it’s Becky Barnes. ♪ And Tom, they go way back in time ♪ ♪ I think they dated in high school ♪ ♪ Yep, she was cheering
him from the sidelines ♪ ♪ Do they even recognize ♪ ♪ I dunno ♪ ♪ Tommy’s put on some weight ♪
♪ Becky’s put on some weight ♪ ♪ He was embedded in Afghanistan ♪ ♪ She embedded the inmate ♪ ♪ What will she say to him ♪ – Hi, Tom. – Tom Houston. – I know who you are, Becky. I mean I’m Becky, Becky Houston, I mean–
– You’re Becky Barnes. – I’m good. ♪ I heard Tom is seeing things ♪ ♪ Only ghosts ♪ ♪ It’s called PTSD ♪ ♪ Oh forget about it ♪ ♪ Has he PT-seen her hubby ♪ ♪ He ran off ♪ ♪ She’s not has hot as she used to be ♪ ♪ But the look in their
eyes, it’s coming back ♪ ♪ All those years they fun ♪ ♪ But they’re both on the sales rack ♪ ♪ They are spent, they are
cooked, they are done ♪ ♪ Wait, something’s on his mind ♪ ♪ Will he opine ♪ ♪ Hold on, it’s way too painful ♪ ♪ For Tom, or maybe for Beck ♪ ♪ Or maybe for me ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you love each other ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When years have passed ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When there’s no more buffer ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ – It’s cold out. – Oh, nothing reall.y – How are things? – Haven’t seen it. ♪ Oh my god it’s a train wreck ♪ ♪ My favorite ♪ ♪ Gimme my tub of popcorn ♪ ♪ Just skip to the fucking ♪ ♪ She’d never ♪ ♪ Either way this is torture porn ♪ ♪ I think I’ll step in and save her ♪ ♪ You don’t have half of a chance, bitch ♪ ♪ I don’t think either took a shower ♪ ♪ Oh my god, someone flip the switch ♪ ♪ There, she looked at his crotch ♪ ♪ He looked at her boobs ♪ ♪ They’re walking a very fine line ♪ ♪ Oops, I think we’ve been caught ♪ ♪ Is he looking at mine ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you love each other ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ The years have passed ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you rediscover ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ – Look, Becky, you look great. – Thanks, so do you. – Thanks. – So, you shopping for your kid? – Ah, nah, I’m shopping
for myself, I like dolls. ♪ What do you say ♪ – I’m just kidding, I don’t like dolls, at least not like that. – (laughs) I missed you. ♪ What did she say ♪ ♪ They still love each other ♪ ♪ What did she say ♪ ♪ The years have passed ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you rediscover ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ What do you ♪ – Say? – Oh, nothing, I actually, I
forgot what I was going to– ♪ Say ♪ (audience cheering) – All right, people, the
doors are now opening. – The doors, they’re opening the doors! – They’re opening the doors? – They’re opening the doors. – Please enter the store
in an orderly fashion. For those of you here to
buy a Tickle-Me Wiggly, you can get those at
the check-out counter. But remember, they are first come, first serve, so stay in line. ♪ Do wop, baba, do wop ♪ ♪ Baba do, badabada, do ♪ ♪ Welcome to Toy Zone ♪ ♪ It’s world renown ♪ ♪ The palace for all of your under-grown ♪ ♪ It’s a pageant ♪ ♪ For the gallant ♪ ♪ Parents who are slightly unbalanced ♪ ♪ We’re slashing prices ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’ve got vices ♪ ♪ That come in a variety of sizes ♪ ♪ You see a deal, I see a meal ♪ ♪ But only one of us is getting a steal ♪ ♪ Did you know that if you spend money ♪ ♪ Your kids will love you maybe ♪ ♪ We’re slashing prices, it’s brutality ♪ ♪ Makes me question my morality ♪ ♪ When our doors are open ♪ ♪ To the public ♪ ♪ Don’t you want it ♪ ♪ For us capitalists, we are honest ♪ ♪ Come for the scope and grandeur ♪ ♪ When our doors burst open ♪ ♪ Trampling is part of the allure ♪ ♪ Yes, our doors are open to you ♪ ♪ Baba wop do ♪ ♪ Baba wop, badaba wop do ♪ ♪ You could have shopped any day ♪ ♪ But you chose today ♪ ♪ It’s no wonder ♪ ♪ Here’s your number ♪ ♪ Know your place in line ♪ – I’ll pay to move up ♪ I never skim off the top ♪ ♪ It’s also advisable ♪ ♪ That we’re not liable
for anyone who dies ♪ ♪ We’ll gladly give you money ♪ ♪ I’ll gladly take your money now ♪ ♪ I want the doll with the tummy ♪ ♪ Oh, don’t we all and
here is how you get ♪ ♪ The very thing you want ♪ ♪ The highest of holidays
comes but once a year ♪ ♪ I’m not talking about the
fat man and his reindeer ♪ ♪ It’s the creme brulee
following a turkey day ♪ ♪ Which requires a
bottle of pepper spray ♪ ♪ Did you know you’ll spend money ♪ ♪ 400 on average, quite seriously ♪ ♪ It’s a factoid you can’t escape, boy ♪ ♪ Remember all your
checks are null and void ♪ ♪ When our doors are open ♪ ♪ Your republic is in the market ♪ ♪ Your net worth is in my back pocket ♪ ♪ And it weighs my pants down ♪ ♪ Weighs down his pants! ♪ ♪ When our doors thrust open ♪ ♪ I’m your annual entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Yes, our doors are open ♪ ♪ Oh, our doors are open ♪ ♪ Yes, our doors are open ♪ ♪ Give us your fucking money ♪ ♪ Give us your fucking cash ♪ ♪ Give us your fucking money ♪ ♪ It’s where it’s at ♪ ♪ Oh I, I, I, like to touch,
touch, touch my money ♪ ♪ Did you know if you spend money ♪ ♪ Your kids will love you maybe ♪ ♪ They’re slashing prices ♪ ♪ It’s insanity ♪ ♪ Do we have any morality ♪ ♪ When the doors are open ♪ – Thank you very much for your generosity. Your donations are gladly
accepted, good morning. ♪ Yeah ♪ (audience cheering) – Oh, look, a valued
customer, good morning, sir! Can I get you a Tickly Wiggly? – Yes, in fact, I would like all of them. – Wait, what? – What did that guy just say? – Excuse me, sir, did my ears deceive me or did you say you want
to buy all of them? – Yes. – As in, the entire stock of
850 Wigglys at 49.95 each? That’s– – $44,999, including sales tax. – Would you like them gift wrapped? – No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! He can’t buy all the dolls! Some of us have been
waiting in line forever! – Hey, what’s goin’ on up there? – I think someone’s tryin’
to buy all the dolls! – I better get one! – Sorry, lady, first come, first
serve, all sales are final. Could I interest you in a Gummy Bug Maker. – Oh, you should be ashamed of yourself, you disgusting little pervert! What’s a grown man going
to do with 850 dolls? – Well, one will stay in
the box for posterity. One will be used
exclusively for bath time. – This is unbelievable! – Hey, lady, if you’re gonna
make with the hysterics, take it to Macy’s! – How dare you! Are you hearing this, Gerald? Yes, call my attorney! – I will tickle one doll,
and one doll will tickle me. – Listen, I’ve been
waiting here all night! And I am not leaving
here without a Wiggly! – And I’m in a hurry! – Hi, Gary Goldstein, attorney at law, I was a little further back in line. – Gary, thank God. – Are you aware that my
client, Linda Monroe, suffers from a rare,
little-understood anxiety disorder, and any lasting medical conditions which may arise from stress caused on these premises are your liability, sir? I hope you have your finances in order. Get ready for audits, audits up your ears, audits in your yinyang,
audits our your wazoo. – All right, all right, all right! We’re gonna try and be fair! We’re gonna put a limit on how many Wigglys each customer can purchase. One per person, you happy now? – Yeah!
– No! Of all the arbitrary numbers, why one? It should be a nice, even number that we can all agree upon, like four. – No!
– Boo – Well, you can buy less if you want! – I thought all sales were final! – Look, you’re not gettin’
all the Wigglys, ya sicko! – Well, now you’ll be
hearing from my attorney. – Hi, Gary Goldstein, attorney at law. Are you aware my client, Sherman Young, is being discriminated against– – Shut up, Gary! – Ooh, right in the subpoena! – All right, forget this line! I’ll give you $500, cash
money, for one Wiggly! – Now there’s an idea, would
you like it gift-wrapped? – Wait a minute, I’ll give you 700! – No, everyone back in line. – Shut the fuck up! – Hey, get your hands off her! – Fuck you! – Show me the money,
people, show me the money! – $800! – $3! – Can I use these coupons? – This ain’t right, I lost
my job when the plant closed! I can’t afford three, $500 for a doll! A Wiggly is 49.95! – Sorry, pal, the price just went up! Supply and demand is a wonderful thing! Whoever pays the most for
a Wiggly, gets a Wiggly! – Well, if you’re not
gonna sell me that doll, then I guess I’m just
gonna have to take it! – Hey, hands off the merchandise, pal! – That guy just got a Wiggly,
he’s got a Wiggly doll! – Well, if he gets one, then I want four! – Give me that doll! – Go give it to me! (people screaming) (intense music) ♪ It’s mine, it’s mine,
it’s certainly mine ♪ ♪ It belongs to my boy ♪ ♪ It’s mine, it’s mine,
it’s certainly mine ♪ ♪ It’s my little toy ♪ ♪ It’s mine, it’s mine,
it’s mine, it’s mine, ♪ ♪ It’s certainly mine, it’s mine ♪ ♪ It’s my little boyfriend ♪ ♪ It’s mine, it’s mine,
it’s mine, it’s mine ♪ ♪ It’s certainly mine ♪ ♪ It’s my fucking money to spend ♪ ♪ You never should
settle for the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪ ♪ There’s always a line to be cut ♪ ♪ And someone to barrel through ♪ ♪ And if you should find that you’re ♪ ♪ About to get the short of the stick ♪ ♪ Take what you want,
return what you get ♪ ♪ Chaos reigns ♪ ♪ Let go, let go, let
go, let go, just let go ♪ ♪ Do you have a death wish ♪ ♪ Just die, you die, just die,
you die, it’s time to die ♪ ♪ You made my Christmas list ♪ ♪ I got it, I got it,
you got it, they got it ♪ ♪ What a relief, it’s mine ♪ ♪ My family will love me ♪ ♪ Now take it, slap it, love it, mine it ♪ ♪ Squee, squee ♪ ♪ Its belly’s so squishy ♪ ♪ You never should
settle for the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪ ♪ There’s always a line to be cut ♪ ♪ And someone to barrel through ♪ ♪ And if you should find that you’re ♪ ♪ About to get the short of the stick ♪ ♪ Take what you want,
return what you get ♪ ♪ It’s all I need and all I came for ♪ ♪ It’s something that I can’t resist ♪ – What is this? ♪ A principle I plan to die for ♪ – What’re you gonna do? ♪ That toy is the last
thing on my Christmas list ♪ – You’re in my toy store. ♪ Put the toy into the plastic ♪ – Get out. ♪ It bags it up with gift receipt ♪ ♪ I’ll never ever e’er return it ♪ ♪ But you bet the price
I pay will be discreet ♪ ♪ You never should settle ♪ ♪ Never should settle ♪ ♪ Never should settle ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪ ♪ Take what you want ♪ ♪ Feast or Famine ♪ (audience laughing) – Hi, welcome to the
Lakeside Mall Cineplex. How can I help you? – Yeah, can I get two
tickets to that new flick, “Santa Claus Is Goin’ To High School”? – Okay, that’ll be two tickets to “Santa Claus Is Goin’ To High School,” that’ll be 27.50. – What, are you kidding me,
30 bucks for two tickets? That’s, look. I’ll give you $15, that’s
as high as I’ll go! – Uh, sir, okay, this is not the type of place where
you can haggle, sir. Like, I don’t set the prices, okay, I’m just a high school kid. (audience laughing) – Well, yeah, well, I’m
gonna find you at school! Cram you into a locker and fart in it! – Oh no, not the Easy-Bake-Oven! – Oh, it’s the Easy-Bake-Oven for you! – [Security Guard] Hey,
what’s going on here? – Nothin’, I’m just asking a question. – Don’t I know your face? Ain’t you been told not
to hang around this mall? – I’m just takin’ the kid
to see the Santa movie. – Yeah, you’re coming with me. Yeah? What’s going on at Toy Zone? Ah, shit. You kids get outta here! (suspenseful music) – Don’t do it. Two doors, not one. – I’m sorry, Hannah, I
thought I could get us in. I would’ve shelled out for the tickets, I’m little low on funds at the moment. I thought my old jalopy
weren’t gonna make it all the way to California,
so I sunk a grand into it. Look, don’t tell your
sister I got no dough, she’ll lose respect for me. Hey, what’s shakin’, Banana, you okay? – Bad place, Black and White. – Look, I know you’re
nervous to leave home. But you gotta trust me,
it’s gonna be so much better for you once you’re outta there. And hey, maybe once you’re gone, maybe then your mom will realize, “Hey, I gotta do better.” Do you trust your sister, Hannah? – Uh-huh. – And do you believe no matter
how bad it looks right now, things will get better. – Not better, badder, much badder. – Hey, what’s with that grammar? Even I know it’s more bad. – [Man] Okay, shut up! (people clamoring) – What the hell is that? (intense music) I think we better split, Banana. Hey, are you okay? – [Man] I’m okay! (fists thudding) – Hannah, get out of here,
the play-place by Marshalls, get in the kiddie-tunnel. (people grunting) – He doesn’t even have a
doll, what a waste of time! – She’s got a doll! – [Tom] Don’t you touch her! (Tom grunts)
(man squeals) – Thank you, Tom, I don’t know what– – Oh, wait, Ethan. – Lex, I’ll get you to California, Lex. Then you don’t gotta cry so much no more. – He’s dead, we’ve gotta
get out of the mall, Tom. – I am not leaving here without a Wiggly! (intense music) – Give me the fucking
doll, I’m in a hurry! – Tom, he’s got a knife! (Tom groans) Tom! – Aye, yummy, yeah! – Oh, Tom, oh, Tom. – Oh, Christ, Christ in Heaven, it’s madness in here, Gerald, madness! What, no, I’m not frightened, I’m annoyed. Because some asshole took my doll. And, and, I had a hair appointment today! (crying) – Well, well, hello, naughty list. How you doin’ there, Linda? – Stay back, whoever you
are, I have pepper spray, and I use it more than
you could ever imagine. – (laughs) Oh, I don’t know
if you wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna
fuck with me, Miss Monroe. I was a colonel once, and your
pepper spray is right here. – What, how did you? – Oh, don’t you worry
about that now, Linda. – How do you know my name? – Well, I know a whole heap about you. And this town, ooh, Hatchetfield, sure is a special place, you understand? And you, little lady, are the
most special person in it. – I know that, what do you want from me? – Well, I wanna give you
everything you ever desired. You see, I know why you
want those Wiggly dolls. It’s the same reason only two of your four children are from Gerald. You keep looking for it
in the arms of other men or in the smiles of your
ungrateful, little brats. But you have been
cruelly denied it, Linda. Go on, say what it is. – I want what everybody
wants, to be loved. Is that a crime? – Oh, Linda, that’s the
kinda bullshit you feed to your therapist and your life coach. Come on now, we all know that
love is highly overrated. It’s a two-way street, you
gotta give a little up yourself. But why should you give when you can get? No, no, no, Linda, you wanna be… Adored. Worshiped. And I can help make that happen. All you gotta do is just
do what you do best. – Shop. – Be a mother. – Right, right, I’m a fabulous mother. – Linda, you were chosen long ago to bring about the birth
of a friendy-wend of mine. All you gotta do is open
your heart up to his love. – What are you doing? – Do you see him, do you
see him, do you see him? (eerie music) Do you see him, do you see him? – [Linda] Yes, I fucking see him! (TV beeping) – This is Carl Mason coming
to you live from New York with continuing coverage of what’s already being called The Black Friday from Hell. From the Mall of America,
to Macy’s Herald Square, reports are flooding in of violent riots breaking out at retailers of all sizes. With mayors and governors
pleading to the federal government for aide, speculation swirls as to whether or not
President Howard Goodman will declare a national
state of emergency. – Can someone tell me what the
hell is happening out there? For God’s sake, the country
is coming apart at the seams! – It’s a goddamn uprising is what it is! It could be anarchists,
terrorists, socialists! Give me two hours, Mr. President! I’ll organize a series of drone strikes against the key
instigators of this revolt. – No, Mr. President, these riots are not ideologically motivated, make no mistake. This is shopper mania,
and a fuck ton of it. – Now, I know this may
sound hard to believe, but it seems what these people
are rioting over is a doll. – A doll, Bob, are you serious? People are killing each other for a toy? – Yes, Mr. President. This toy, it’s called a Tickle-Me Wiggly. – No, no, this can’t be happening. We beat the the Nazis and Communists, and now people are
cannibalizing each other over some fucking weird little monster? I mean, I admit, he is cute. And I’ll come right out and
say it, he has a fuzzy tummy. And I wouldn’t mind tickling
that little belly-well. In fact, Morris, why don’t you, uh– hand him here? – Why? – I need to understand what
we’re dealing with here, and the only way I can do that
is if I hold him in my arms. – No, no, no, no, no, Mr. President, I’m the Secretary of Defense. It’s my job to protect
the country and you. I’ll hold onto the little whipper-snapper. – Like hell you will. – That is enough, enough, enough! One of my political heroes has
always been John F. Kennedy. He saved this country from
the Cuban Missile Crisis by keeping a cool head, that is what we need
now, fellas, cool heads. So while you three device a strategy, I’ll hold onto the Wiggly. – Shut the fuck up. Morris, I am the goddamn President of the United States of America and I order you to hand
me that fucking doll! – No, you’re nothing more
than a Harvard Law School, community-organizing prick! Take one step closer to my friendy-wend, and I’ll rip your fucking
throat out with my teeth! – He’s not your friendy-wend, he’s mine! I’m gonna tickle that doll! – No, he’s mine! Back off or I will send a laser-guided, ballistic missile to your house in Denver! You’ll be scraping off what’s left of your kids off the fuckin’ pavement! – Morris, give me that cock-suckin’, motherfuckin’, cock-a-doodle doll! (all screaming) (gun fires) (people screaming) – Uh, oh my God, Morris,
are you all right? – Oh, I think I’m gonna vomit. – I almost killed you, Mr. President. – I don’t know what came over me. – I do. – Sorry for the intrusion, Mr. President. Hope you don’t mind if I let myself in. – Into the Oval Office,
who the hell are you? – My name is General John McNamara of the United States Military. (audience cheering) Special unit P.E.I.P. We call it peep. – Peep? I’ve never heard of you guys. – Well, we’re a fairly small team, just me and a few of my peeps. That was a joke, sir. Our department handles
crises of a certain nature. Situations not unlike what we have here on this Black Friday. – What do you mean certain situations? – Mr. President, behind the veil of the universe you perceive, are entities both ageless and fowl, and these eldritch forces are rising. There is a creature at work here. One with designs on humanity far worse than any nightmare we can comprehend, and he is marshaling his power. Mr. President, if humanity
is is going to have any hope for survival, you’re
going to have to come with me. – Where? – To borrow an expression, we’re stepping out of the
blue and into the black. ♪ Sometimes you gotta wake ♪ ♪ Answer the call or fall ♪ ♪ No need to raise the stakes ♪ ♪ When you’re on the wall ♪ ♪ Stand tall ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta fill your chest ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta slow your breath ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta step
into the black and white ♪ ♪ And face the thing you dread ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta stand on up ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta make your case ♪ ♪ You gotta step into
the Black and White ♪ ♪ And needle that thread ♪ ♪ And there are monsters
and there are men ♪ ♪ There are monsters
that live in your head ♪ ♪ There are monsters that
we all should dread ♪ ♪ So join the fight ♪ ♪ And try your might ♪ ♪ Step in the black and white ♪ ♪ There are forces in this world ♪ ♪ That mean you real harm ♪ ♪ If your soul is unarmed ♪ ♪ It is nothing on your phone ♪ ♪ We need every hand ♪ ♪ For a scrum that’s undermanned ♪ ♪ The truly good versus the truly bad ♪ ♪ Ha, you better learn to
discern it quickly, boys ♪ ♪ It’s the only chance we have ♪ ♪ You better align your soul ♪ ♪ With what’s good and right ♪ ♪ Join the only fight that’s left ♪ ♪ And scour the black and white ♪ ♪ Oh, there are monsters
and there are men ♪ ♪ There are are the monsters
that live in your head ♪ ♪ It is the monsters who
should live in dread ♪ ♪ And fear our might ♪ ♪ Join the fight ♪ ♪ Into the black and white ♪ – So we’re not exactly
dealing with terrorists here. – Not exactly. – What do you want from me? ♪ Look me in the eye now, sir ♪ ♪ And make a solemn vow ♪ ♪ To become your best self now ♪ ♪ I know our opponent, sir ♪ ♪ Requires nothing less ♪ ♪ Than your absolute best ♪ ♪ I know it’s hard ♪ ♪ The world is pain and distraction ♪ ♪ But there’s occasions
met by lesser men ♪ ♪ Who took the leap ♪ ♪ It must be you ♪ ♪ It must be me ♪ ♪ Never take your office lightly ♪ ♪ Never take my office lightly ♪ ♪ You must fill your heart ♪ ♪ Make good with god immediately ♪ ♪ There are monsters and there are men ♪ ♪ There are the monsters
that live in your head ♪ ♪ It is the monsters who
shall live in dread ♪ ♪ So join the fight ♪ ♪ Against the real plight ♪ ♪ When monsters are real ♪ ♪ You better forge a heart of steal ♪ ♪ To cast the darkness from light ♪ ♪ You better step ♪ ♪ Into the Black and White ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle
Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle
Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle
Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle
Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Ring a ling ding ♪ ♪ When the bells ring ♪ ♪ It’s only a matter of
time till Christmas break ♪ ♪ Hallelu-Hallelu-Hallelu-Hallelujah! ♪ ♪ Candy canes in my bag ♪ ♪ In the school yard ♪ ♪ My mom is bringing my sled ♪ ♪ When the clock strikes three ♪ ♪ See you at the rink ♪ ♪ And I’ll ice up my skates ♪ ♪ Can’t wait ♪ ♪ Deck the halls on high ♪ ♪ Deck up Northville high school ♪ ♪ Carol in the halls ♪ ♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings,
see what winter brings ♪ ♪ For your Northville Mistletoe ♪ ♪ Spread the Christmas cheer ♪ ♪ Rock that Northville spirit ♪ ♪ Ditch that lump of coal ♪ ♪ Push it to the limit ♪ ♪ Pumpkin spice for days ♪ ♪ Fill those cookie trays up ♪ ♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of Northville High ♪ ♪ ‘Tis the season for
rocking and rollin’ ♪ ♪ And we’ll beat South Heights ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they’re naughty not nice ♪ ♪ And we’ll dunk and spike their egg nog ♪ ♪ Jingle jangle, hey Chris Kringle ♪ ♪ Got ice in his veins for a reason ♪ ♪ And we’ll beat South Heights
when the Mistletoe bites ♪ ♪ With our secret Santa swap ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪ – Christopher Kringle, report to the principal’s
office immediately! – Oh man, Mr. Humbugger,
I’m in trouble now. – You bet you are! – Jingle, Jangle, if anyone
sees two elves in my locker, I’ll get expelled for sure! What are you two doin’ here? – We’re here to make sure you don’t screw up Christmas, boss! – That’s right! – Hey, Chris. – Noel! – Were you just talking to your locker? – Don’t worry, boss, she can’t see us. But if she finds out you’re Santa, Father Winter’s spell will be broken! – That’s right! ♪ Northville High School ♪ ♪ Got you cold ♪ ♪ We will rock you ♪ ♪ Under the mistletoe ♪ ♪ Seniors heard on high ♪ ♪ Sleigh’in Northville high school ♪ ♪ O’er the fields we go ♪ ♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings,
see what winter brings ♪ ♪ For your Northville Mistletoe! ♪ ♪ Spread the Christmas cheer ♪ ♪ Rock that Northville spirit ♪ ♪ Ditch that lump of coal ♪ ♪ Push it to the limit ♪ ♪ Pumpkin spice for days ♪ ♪ Fill those cookie trays up ♪ ♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of Northville High ♪ ♪ ‘Tis the season for
rocking and rollin’ ♪ ♪ And we’ll beat South Heights ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they’re naughty not nice ♪ ♪ And we’ll dunk and spike their egg nog ♪ ♪ Jingle jangle, hey Chris Kringle ♪ ♪ Got ice in his veins for a reason ♪ ♪ And we’ll beat South Heights
when the Mistletoe bites ♪ ♪ With our secret Santa swap ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of
Northville high school ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ Deck the halls on high ♪ ♪ Deck up Northville high school ♪ ♪ Carolin’ the halls ♪ ♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings,
see what winter brings ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ (audience cheering) (audience laughing) – What the fuck am I watching? – Careful, Tom, you don’t
wanna rip the stitches. We’re in the Cineplex, you were stabbed. I found a first aid kit in the box office. I patched you up as best I could. – What is this? – It’s a movie, “Santa Claus
Is Goin’ To High School.” – What’s it about? – I don’t know. All the kids in the world
are on the Naughty List. Santa figures he’s out
of touch so he turns into a teenager so he can
reconnect with the youth? Or spy on them? – How is it? – It’s not good, Tom. – No, no, no, I was
talking about the movie. – So was I, it’s real bad. But you’ll be all right, the
knife missed your vital organs. – I guess it’s my lucky day. – Here, lemme help you. – [Noel] There’s something
funny about you, Mr. Kringle. I wanna know how you made ice appear on the gym floor to make those bullies slip into the dumpster. – You know, I haven’t been
to the Cineplex in years. – Neither have I, Stanley used to say going to the movies was a waste of money. Huh, I didn’t even realize. I was just trying to find someplace safe and I dragged us to our old seats. Must’ve been second nature. – No kidding. – Yeah, look, G seven and eight. – Wait, I wonder if it’s still here, yeah, Becky, look, you remember
when we carved that? – Yeah, it’s a penis. – Hey, yeah, well, we were kids. If I could go back, I’d
carve somethin’ nice. – Yeah, like T & B 4ever. Well, we thought it’d be forever. – [Chris] Oh, you wouldn’t
believe me even if I told you. – [Noel] Oh yeah, try me. – [Chris] Noel, I’m Santa Claus. – What’s going on out there? – Well, the people who got dolls ran. The people who didn’t
are still in the mall. They’re organizing, they
blocked off all the exits. They’re convinced there are
more dolls in here somewhere. – Are there? – I don’t know, Tom. – Well, if there’s even one
Wiggly left, I’m gonna find it. – Tom, no. – You said I’ll be fine. – Yeah, but– – Becky, please! I’m sorry. It’s just, the night Jane died, I was driving. If she’d been driving, she would’ve seen the other car sliding
into the intersection. And she would’ve stopped. It’s my fault. It’s my fault she’s dead. I killed my family. – Remember us in high school? The quarterback and the cheer captain. We were insatiable. When you shipped out, I
thought I’d wait for you, then I met Stanley. At first he was so cool, he
bought us booze and cigarettes. He had a car and his own apartment. We were kinda going together
for about five months when I’m at the lake with some my friends. I’m flirting with some guy,
you know, a little buzzed. Then Stanley’s car comes
driving onto the beach and he grabs this poor boy and just beats the shit out of him. Then he tells me to get in. After that, I didn’t
go to anymore parties. Stanley was a bad, bad man. People think he left me for
some woman in Clivesdale. But that’s not the truth. Last year, when your wife passed, I was thinking of going to the funeral. Stanley said he’d rather see me dead than hanging around Tom Houston again. Something about that woke
something up inside of me. Because when we went our separate ways, it was fine because it was us, but who was he to keep us apart? So that night, I fought back. He chased me out of the
house and into the woods. He was the one who brought the knife It’s funny, Stanley’s the one that made me go to nursing school. That’s why I knew where
his femoral artery was. Not sure if I hit it,
but I left him out there. Maybe he crawled somewhere for help, maybe he died in those woods. You say you killed your family? I hope I killed mine. So, Tom, you’ve got to forgive yourself. ‘Cause if you don’t, how’s
anyone ever gonna forgive me? – Becky Barnes. ♪ You look just the same ♪ ♪ As I always remember ♪ ♪ All those Friday
nights, under the lights ♪ ♪ Under the bleachers together ♪ ♪ You and I were meant to be ♪ ♪ Something more than a faded memory ♪ ♪ Till you and I, something divided us ♪ ♪ If the universe is infinite ♪ ♪ Then it’s definite ♪ ♪ There’s an alternate reality ♪ ♪ Where we’re now a family ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to love you ♪ ♪ Take me back when we were lost ♪ ♪ Lost in love and lost in feeling ♪ ♪ Without the cost ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪ ♪ Take me back when things were light ♪ ♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ To make it all right ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I already lost it once ♪ ♪ What I already won ♪ ♪ You don’t look the same ♪ ♪ At all as I remember ♪ ♪ The light has left your eyes ♪ ♪ Something has changed ♪ ♪ Then, you were way more put together ♪ ♪ But I remember something ♪ ♪ Someone asked me back in school ♪ ♪ Tom, if you asked me, I’d
still go to prom with you ♪ ♪ The universe is infinite ♪ ♪ And it’s definite ♪ ♪ There’s an alternate reality ♪ ♪ Where it’s only you and me ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to love you ♪ ♪ Hold me closer than before ♪ ♪ Feel my heart and mend what’s broken ♪ ♪ To feel you once more ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪ ♪ Take me back when things were light ♪ ♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ For one more night ♪ ♪ One more night ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I already lost it once ♪ ♪ What I’d already won ♪ ♪ I’ve lost too much now to care ♪ ♪ But I know that
something’s still there ♪ ♪ I’ll never let you go ♪ ♪ I’ll never let you go ♪ ♪ I’ll never let you go now ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ In time to love you ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back in time ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ In time to love you ♪ ♪ Hold me closer than before ♪ ♪ Heal my heart and mend what’s broken ♪ ♪ To feel you once more ♪ ♪ Feel you once more ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪ ♪ Take me back ♪ ♪ When things were light ♪
♪ Take me back in time ♪ ♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ To make it all right ♪ ♪ Make it all right ♪ ♪ All right ♪ (audience cheering) – If you’re really Santa, tell me something only Santa would know. Tell me what I asked for for Christmas when I was seven years old. – Noel, I can’t. – I knew it, I knew you weren’t Santa. – A red tricycle. – Santa! (audience cheering) – This is the best movie ever! – Paranormal, Extraterrestrial,
Inter-dimensional Phenomena. That is the purview of our organization, Mr. President, welcome to P.E.I.P. HQ. – Okay, okay. So I’m still trying to wrap
my head around all this. So you’re telling me that
there’s another dimension? – There are many
dimensions, Mr. President. What concerns us today is a
place outside all dimensions. A swirling sea of psychic energy we call the Black and White. The current ruler of
this realm is an entity we’ve known of for 13 years, but has only now revealed
his name, Wiggly. – The doll? – The doll’s only part of it. What, you don’t remember
your Catechism class? The father’s the son,
the son’s the father. Wiggly rules on high
in the Black and White, but he also is the dolls. Bet you didn’t guess
the, uh, Lord of Despair would be so cute and cuddly, did you? – Xander Lee, theoretical physicist. – Physicist, is that like a scientist? – Yes, he’s also the best damn field agent I’ve ever worked with. – Field agent, is that like a soldier? Sorry, I’m really lost here. Okay, so Wiggly, he makes people go crazy. Why, what does he want? – Howie, can I call you Howie? Howie, listen, Wiggly wants
us, he wants everything. He is a-knockin’ and he wants in. – 13 years ago, P.E.I.P.
constructed a portal, a portal connecting our
reality to the Black and White. My mentor, Wilbur Cross, stepped through that portal
and came out a raving lunatic. He pledged his undying
loyalty to the forces within and disappeared soon after. – That’s heavy. – Today, we wanna send
you through that portal. (audience laughing) – Me? – You are the democratically
elected representative of the United States of America, and you must negotiate
a peace with Wiggly. – You wanna send me to the Twilight Zone to have a sit-down with the devil? Fuck that, fuck that, fuck that. That’s all folks! – Howie, listen, these riots
are just the beginning. Right now, Wiggly is culling
the wheat from the chaff. And when the only people left
are his most devout followers, they will build him his birth canal. – A portal much more powerful than ours. A portal large enough for
Wiggly himself to cross through. And when he does, he will
remake creation to his liking. In short, Mr. President, we are trying to stop the birth of a god. (suspenseful music) – Friends, neighbors, fellow citizens of Hatchetfield, my name is Sherman Young! 168 hours ago, I came to this mall to wait in line for a Wiggly. Throughout that time, I ate nothing but snacks packed in
a cooler by my mother. And defecated into a bucket all so that I would not
lose my place in line. If all had gone as went, I would now be the proud
owner of 850 dolls. But after today’s Great Battle, I stand here, like you, empty handed. And yet, my heart swells
with humility and joy! I came here in search of a doll, but what I found was
something far greater. Faith in the One True
God, all hail Wiggly! – Wiggly is good! – Wiggly is just! – If we have faith, we will be
rewarded with a cuddly doll! – Yes, brothers and sisters,
we have seized control of Lakeside Mall, let
it be a new Jerusalem! And from it, we shall march forth, and conquer the Earth, all hail Wiggly! – Wiggly, Wiggly, Wiggly! – Yes, now bring forth the infidels! – Let me go, you nut-bags, you crazies! – Frank, if anything happens to my sister, I swear to God– – [Sherman] Silence, heathens! – Kill them! – Fucking kill them! – No, no friendy-wends,
they face not your judgment but that of she ordained
by the highest god! The prophet, the mother, mommy! – Mother, mother, mother! (audience cheering) – Yes, they’re talking about me, Gerald. I dislike that word, Gerald, cult. No, it’s a new and exciting
religion that I started. Well, yes, of course you can
come inside and support me. But before you do, you
should know my first act as divine prophet was to set fire to the Cinnabon as a
sacrifice to a Dark God! Oh, now you’d rather stay
outside and keep the car warm! Hold on. (angelic music) Yes, I am the divine prophet. I have gazed in to the face of God. He has chosen me to usher in his reign and give him life. But how, Lord, how? Your voice is so far
away, I cannot hear it. I need a vessel filled with your essence. To guide your people, to
let your will be known! I need a Wiggly doll,
ideally four of them. – Listen, lady, you want a Wiggly doll? I can get you a Wiggly doll, straight from manufacturer,
at wholesale prices! – (laughs) We have no need
for your manufacturers. Because, brothers and
sisters, there is still one Wiggly left in this
mall, I can feel it. The only hope for extending
your worthless life is to tell me, where is that doll? – I don’t know. You saw it yourself, you
animals took ’em all! Please let me go, for the love of God! – I’ve met God, he had
nothing nice to say about you. (knife slices)
(Frank moaning) – Franks, Frank! – You listen to me, you little tramp. Now I know you know where that Wiggly is. I can smell him on you. It’s perfume to that trailer-trash stench. – I have no idea what
you’re talking about. You people are so fucked up. – She has the lying tongue of a snake! I’ve seen it, brothers and sisters, on this security camera footage. This witch stole a Wiggly doll,
and put it in the backpack of a little girl with
pigtails and a baseball cap. – No, no, no, please, don’t
hurt my sister Hannah, please! – This little girl stands
between you and your God! Sally forth, in the name of Wiggly! Bring me the child! ♪ As the pillar of the community ♪ ♪ We can agree I’m a bit of a mensch ♪ ♪ It gets exhausting
everyone looking at me ♪ ♪ Jealousy has a bit of a stench ♪ ♪ But now I see the light before me ♪ ♪ It’s a tunnel vision opportunity ♪ ♪ To coax your love ♪ ♪ To break your cold hearts down ♪ ♪ You will adore me ♪ ♪ I just know ♪ ♪ You’ll kneel before me ♪ ♪ Kiss my toe ♪ ♪ I demand your love and worship too ♪ ♪ If I don’t get it, I will end you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I will be adored ♪ ♪ Why should you give ♪ ♪ When you can get ♪ ♪ Never forgive ♪ ♪ Never forget ♪ ♪ You better adore me ♪ ♪ Take what you want ♪ ♪ Return what you get ♪ ♪ No matter the cost ♪ ♪ Idle the threat ♪ ♪ I will destroy everything ♪ ♪ And then I will destroy everything ♪ ♪ I guarantee I’ll destroy
everything in my path ♪ ♪ Unless I get what, shit,
it’s Gerald, hold oN ♪ ♪ I will destroy everything ♪ – All right, keep going, just don’t say the shit
part, that wasn’t it. Don’t say the shit part. ♪ I’ll destroy everything in my path ♪ ♪ Unless I get what I, shit ♪ – No, no, guys, while I
don’t want you to think for yourselves, I still want you to know what I mean when I say my evil shit, ‘kay? ♪ You will adore me ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ You’ll kneel before me ♪ ♪ I demand your love and worship too ♪ ♪ If I don’t get it, I will yell ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I will be adored ♪ ♪ Why should you give ♪ ♪ When you can get? ♪ ♪ Never forgive or forget ♪ (audience cheering) – [Lex] No, Hannah, Hannah! – Lexi! – Hannah, Hannah. Hannah. – Webby, I’m scared. – What’s shakin’, Banana? – Ethan? – Who else? Don’t be scared, Hannah,
it’s safe to come out now. Do I gotta put a leash on you? – No, Webby says you died. – (laughs) I did. – Huh? – Aw, don’t be so mushy,
Banana, dying ain’t so bad. I’m in the Black and
White now, it’s real nice. It’s just like California, it never rains! – Not Ethan, liar, bad double! – You know they’re coming for you, Hannah. There’s only one thing you can do. You’ve gotta give that doll
to a woman in a black cape. She’s real nice, I swear on my own grave! – Not Ethan. It’s you! – Hello, Hannah, let’s be paly-wals. Don’t you want to tickle my tumsywumsy? – No, Webby says you’re bad,
she said you’d try to tick me. – Well, Webby is a stupid bitch. You could’ve served me willingly, but you’re being a rotten, little banana. I’m going to have to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat you, Hannah. I’m going to eat you right the fuck up! – No! – Careful, Tom, those
maniacs could be anywhere. – Look, Becky, about what we just did– – Tom, look, it’s a little girl! And she’s got a Wiggly doll. – Don’t listen to him,
he’s bad, he’ll trick you! – Aw, don’t worry, kid,
we don’t get tricked. We’re grownups. – You can trust us, we’re good people. Whoa, whoa, wait, where
you goin’, sweetheart? – California. – (gasps) Did you hear that, Becky? She’s goin’ to California! – Land of Hollywood and movie stars! – But that’s an awful long way to go, and that doll looks real heavy. Why don’t you hand it over? – Uh-uh. – Why are you backin’ away from me, kid? I’m not gonna hurt you. Listen, I’ve been
through hell today tryin’ to get one of those dolls for my son. He’s about your age. And I’d do anything for
him, any goddamn thing. Even if it means pounding the guts outta some little twerp,
now gimme that fuckin’ doll! – No, no, no, no! – Tom, how could you? You let her get away! You really are a fucking
idiot, aren’t you? – Well, I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas, cheer captain! – You don’t scream at a
child, it frightens them. You lure them in delicately and you put them to sleep. – Yeah, smart. – Little girl, sweetheart, California. ♪ Do you want to play with me ♪ ♪ Lovely girl, lovely girl ♪ ♪ Do you want some candy ♪ ♪ My lovely girl ♪ ♪ My lovely girl ♪ ♪ Let’s play some games ♪ ♪ Let’s play some games today ♪ ♪ Funny games ♪ ♪ Some funny games today ♪ – [Tom] Becky, over there! ♪ Do you want to play with me ♪
♪ Come here, come here ♪ ♪ Lovely girl, lovely girl ♪ ♪ Come here now ♪ ♪ Do you want some candy ♪
♪ Come here, my girl ♪ ♪ My lovely girl, my lovely girl ♪ ♪ I want to come here so we can play ♪ ♪ Let’s play some games ♪ ♪ Let’s play some games today ♪ ♪ Funny games ♪ ♪ Some funny games today ♪ – Hahaha, I got her, Becky, I’ve got her! – Hold her still. Oh shit, this is my leg. – No, no, no! – Oh, I’ve got it. I’m gonna tickle your bellywell. – [Wiggly] (giggles) That tickles. – Hey, Tom, half of that is mine. – I’m sorry, babe, no dice. But don’t worry, we’ll
get you another one later. Right now, I think you need a nap. – You bastard. – She’s heavy! – Look, in the food court, the little girl with the backpack. And who is this? – Her protector. – Another heathen, no
doubt, bring her as well! The prophet shall bathe in
the blood of the unfaithful! Joyous day! (suspenseful music) (audience laughing) – All right, Mr. President,
beginning inter-dimensional convergence with the Black and White. – I don’t know about this, John. Foreign policy was never my strong suit. – We’re not sending you
in there half-cocked, sir. We have a hydrogen bomb ready to deploy into the Black and White if need be. – Oh god, I feel like I’m gonna puke. – Mr. President, the
greatest strategic value of nuclear weapons has
always been deterrence. Wiggly is a being who has never contemplated his own annihilation. If threatened with such, he
may retreat from our reality. Good luck and godspeed. (machine whirring) – Breathe, breathe, breathe. – [John] Mr. President, do you copy? – Yeah, John, I hear ya. – [John] What do you see? – I see blackness, endless blackness. Hello, hello? My name is Howard Goodman. I’m President of the United
States of America, Earth. I demand to speak to the
entity known as Wiggly. There’s nothing here. – [Man] Howie, Howie. – Hello? – [Man] Howie. – For God’s sake, what do you want? – [John] Calm down, Mr.
President, you have to– – No, John, I can’t hear you! Can anyone hear me? (audience laughing) – How you doing there, Howie? – Who are you? – Do you know why it had to be a doll? (apple crunches) It all boils down to belief,
it’s a powerful thing. You see, people don’t believe
in governments anymore. No matter who the masses vote for, they always get the same thing. The poorer get poorer, and the rich, well, they just get richer. Swamped in student debt, credit
card debt, medical bills, the people have been
abandoned by everything! Everything except products. (laughs) That’s the only comfort they have left! And you, the President
of the United States, you were Wiggly’s greatest ally! – No, that’s not true, I can’t be evil. I’m a status quo Democrat! – [Xander] Mr. President,
Howie, we’re losing him! – Xander, I know what must be done. – John, no, John, don’t go in there! – Only in American could Wiggly take root! Hold this. You think that in the Netherlands they’d give a shit about some toy? No, they’re too busy
on their paid vacation, and the free healthcare! You empowered Wiggly, you invited him in! And now you come into his
house, to make demands of him? ♪ You thought that you could outsmart ♪ ♪ The very thing that runs ♪ ♪ Through blood of your kind ♪ ♪ Sick with greed and a lust ♪ ♪ For that you will ♪ ♪ Give up your will ♪ ♪ And your pride ♪ ♪ You’re looking to be saved ♪ ♪ No matter what you have raised ♪ ♪ Behold the depths of
depravity ‘n’ decay ♪ ♪ It’s happened on your watch ♪ ♪ Your time is running out ♪ ♪ Before the worlds collide ♪ ♪ You went and opened the box ♪ ♪ And then He came ♪ ♪ In a slick little package ♪ ♪ And drove you insane ♪ ♪ Because your thirst for
stuff is never slaked ♪ ♪ Now the end is nigh ♪ ♪ The apocalypse here ♪ ♪ In a package that’s
not what it appears ♪ ♪ You may ask why the doll ♪ ♪ Well, that’s all it takes ♪ ♪ When you’re made in America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Welcome to Wiggly’s shop ♪ ♪ Your America Assembly line ♪ ♪ We got toys and trucks ♪ ♪ And big fat butts ♪ ♪ That’ll help you pass the time ♪ ♪ Hey kids ya know that you grow up ♪ ♪ With all the crap you want ♪ ♪ Just sprinkle it with dust
and a gob of fucking lust ♪ ♪ And you wave the world goodbye ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wiggle Wiggly ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wig ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wiggle Wiggly ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wig ♪ – Hello, Mr. Presi-wezz,
welcome to Drowsy Town. – It’s you! – Don’t be frightened,
you’re my bestest buddy-wud. – No, no, I’ve come to
tell you to leave us alone! – (laughs) Leave, just before Christmas? It’s going to be my birthday, you know. I wouldn’t want to miss out
on opening all my presents. I think I’ll start with you. I’m going to cut open your belly-well, and deck the halls with
your gutsy-wutsies! – [John] Enough! (audience cheering) – [Howard] John! – [Wiggly] You. – Your minions may do me no harm, Wiggly, for I cut through them
with a blade of truth. Be gone. – I’m sorry, John, I fucked it up. – Don’t worry, Mr. President, come on, let’s get you out of here. – It’s too late, John! The Wiggly’s prophet has been chosen, and as soon as she has a doll, she will bring about his birth! ♪ You opened the box ♪ ♪ A doll came out ♪ ♪ And he’ll touchdown
soon to erase any doubt ♪ ♪ That he’s all you need
to fill your heart ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Now the end is nigh ♪ ♪ The apocalypse here ♪ ♪ In a package that preys
on the worst of your fears ♪ ♪ The gambit is done, a work of art ♪ ♪ That was Made in America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ – There, the portal, you
must go, Mr. President! Go now. – What about you? – Return is no longer an option for me. Without a suit, my body has
already begun to dematerialize. My spirit will be absorbed
into the Black and White. I’ll do what I can from here,
it’s been an honor to serve. – Sure. ♪ We’re all Made In America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ (machine whirring) (Howard grunting) – Hey, hey, Howie, are you all right? – There’s no reasoning with
that thing, deploy the nuke. Blow that bastard to kingdom come! – What about John, he’s still in there. – He’s gone, we need to kill Wiggly now! – Deploying the nuclear bomb! It is entering the Black and White. Detonation in five, four, three– – Merry Christmas, mother-fucker. – One. – Did it go off, where’s the explosion? Shouldn’t we be hearing an explosion? – [Wiggly] Uh oh, Mr. Presi-wezz. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-wom. Don’t worry, I’m sure
it’ll turn up somewhere. – What, what does he mean? What do you mean, you son of a bitch? – Mr. President, we’ve just received a message from the Pentagon. There’s been an explosion
on the Eurasian continent. – What? – Moscow is gone, sir. – How, how? – Christ, the Russians had another portal. – [Wiggly] I have friendy-wends
all over the world. When my uncle Wiley told the Russians about America’s new toy, they just had to have one of their own. – He knew, he wanted
us to send in the nuke. He took the bomb and pushed it
through the Russians’ portal. He baited us into World War III! – (giggling) That tickles. – How could I have known? How could I have I known
there were was another portal? There was two doors, not
one, two doors, not one! Oh no! – Mr. President, we need to
prepare for a counter-strike. We need to get you out of
Washington and onboard Marine One. – [Wiggly] Thank you so
much for visiting my home, Mr. Presi-wezz, I can’t wait
to visit yours. (giggles) (suspenseful music) – End of the line, infidel,
may your death throes echo through Drowsy Town
to awaken the wiggly one. – Come on, Sherman, it’s me, Lex. I’ve seen you in Toy Zone every
week for the past two years. Haven’t I always helped you out? – You’re in retail, it’s
your job to help me. – Well, it’s not my job to do favors. Who set aside those ponies
so you could get ’em before the little girls
they were made for? – You? – Yeah, and if you let me
go, I’ll help you again. – You have ponies? – If you let me loose,
I’ll get you all the ponies your sick, little heart desires. – Hm, I don’t know if there are enough ponies in the world for that. – Well, there are some
extras in the store room. We were supposed to ship ’em back because the colors are messed up. – One of a kind mispaints? You better not be fucking with me. – No, no, not to a loyal customer. – Okay, take me to the ponies
and I’ll murder you later. – Okay, oh, thank you, Sherman. And about those mispaints. I threw ’em in the fucking trash! (Sherman grunting) – When they mess up the colors,
it makes them more valuable! Those were collector’s items
and you killed the ponies! And now I’m going to kill you! ♪ Is this what I lived for ♪ ♪ To be choked in a toy store ♪ ♪ While staring into hell ♪ ♪ There’s something that’s beautiful ♪ ♪ Being awake for my funeral ♪ ♪ You can close the casket now ♪ ♪ The plans for my
father’s hopeless seed ♪ ♪ Born into moral poverty ♪ ♪ Still, I wasn’t the angel heaven sent ♪ ♪ To break through my cliched boundaries ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ The dreamer has dreamed her dream ♪ ♪ When Friday is black,
there’s no turning back ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ Is there some lesson to learn ♪ ♪ Should I never have wanted ♪ ♪ I never even got started ♪ ♪ Or were the decks
always just this stacked ♪ ♪ I mean it’s really a godsend ♪ ♪ Clear my plans for the weekend ♪ ♪ But there’s nothing to subtract ♪ ♪ I don’t want your half-baked sympathy ♪ ♪ When did it save those in need ♪ ♪ Still, I thought that angels did exist ♪ ♪ But now I hope they
plan to end it quick ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ Only my ashes will see the sea ♪ ♪ When Friday is black,
there’s no turning back ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ At first I didn’t know
what she was to me ♪ ♪ At first I didn’t know why
I cared or why I wanted ♪ ♪ To hold her and rock her to sleep ♪ ♪ Did I need her more than she needed me ♪ ♪ Maybe I’m wrong, she can go on her own ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m leaving ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ Only my ashes will see the sea ♪ ♪ When Friday is black,
there’s no turning back ♪ ♪ ‘Cause Friday is black ♪ (Lex choking) – You’re not dead yet. – What, what. – Alexandra Foster, my name
is General John MacNamara. And I’m going to help you through this. First, you need to subdue your assailant. I’m authorizing you to use my firearm. (audience cheering) – I can’t reach it. – Yes, you can, your sister
has a power and so do you. Reach into the Black and White. You must manifest this
weapon in your reality. ♪ Look me in the eye now, Lex ♪ ♪ And make a solemn vow ♪ ♪ To become your best self now ♪ ♪ That time has arrived now, Lex ♪ ♪ When your Friday’s black ♪ ♪ It’s time to lead the pack ♪ ♪ There are monsters and there are men ♪ ♪ I can show you the path
but only you can walk it ♪ ♪ There are monsters
that live in your head ♪ ♪ If Wiggly is birthed who
knows what we’ve unlocked ♪ ♪ They are the monsters
that we all should dread ♪ ♪ Time has run out, what will you do ♪ – I’m going to kill you. (gun fires) Where did that come from? – How? – Nice shot, Lex, but
we’re not through yet. The leaders of your world
are lost and helpless. You’ve been called to serve. If you can defeat Wiggly
here in Hatchetfield, he can be defeated anywhere. – What am I supposed to do? – Gather your forces. There is a warrior of light
is trapped in a deep sleep. Wake the warrior, kill the
prophet, save the world. You’re in P.E.I.P. now, Lex, get her done. (eagle screeching) – All right, little buddy. Just gotta pass through this
doorway and we’re home free. Oh, I hope they didn’t tow my
car, that’d be just my luck. – Mr. Houston! – Leave me alone. – Mr. Houston, turn around. – What, are you gonna shoot
me, Lex, or can I go home? I’ve had shitty day, and I’d appreciate it if you got that goddamn gun outta my face. – Mr. Houston, I need your help. But I need you to put down that doll. – Why would I put him down,
you only want him for yourself! – No, I don’t. – Too bad, Lex, I’m leavin’ and I’m taking this doll to my son! – He doesn’t want it! – Of course he does, he
wants it more than anything! – No, think about it. Did Tim ever say he
wants a Tickle-Me-Wiggly? – Well, he must’ve! We were trying to win one at Pizza Pete’s. Weren’t we? No, he said it this morning. Why else would I be, I know that he wants it! – Well, let me tell you something I know! I’ve been working at
Toy Zone since I was 16. I know what kids are like. When that Wiggly campaign came out, you know how many kids
I got askin’ about it? None. Think about that line you
stood in this morning. Did you see a single kid there? – It’s a school day. – It’s Thanksgiving break. The thing about Wiggly that
nobody’s talkin’ about is kids don’t want that piece of shit. – What? – They’re all into Fortnite, dude. (audience laughing) I mean, my sister, Hannah, couldn’t get further away from that thing. Yeah, me and Ethan wanted a doll to sell! Whatever spell that doll
casts, it doesn’t work on kids. And I think I know why. Mr. Houston, I know your wife died, and you’re trying real
hard to make up for it. But that’s something
you want, not your son. You think Wiggly can fix this hole, but he can’t, it’s a trick. That’s how it works, he promises to fix all of the holes, but he doesn’t. And that’s why it works on adults. Because you guys have more holes. You need more things
and you need it harder. You gotta worry about
your loveless marriage, or the kids that are gonna hate you, or your endless mortgage. I mean, you’re, like, 40, you probably think your life is over! I don’t, I’m gonna be an actress! Do you get what I’m sayin,’ Mr. Houston? Wiggly is a fuckin’ lie,
and I think you know it. But I think you’re scared, because if he’s not the
answer, then what is? ♪ What is this thing in my hand ♪ ♪ Doesn’t breathe or understand ♪ ♪ The things I went through ♪ ♪ The things Tim went through for it ♪ ♪ I submit ♪ ♪ The hell I’ve been thinking ♪ ♪ My heart is so empty ♪ ♪ Everyone’s dying ♪ ♪ And that includes me too ♪ ♪ I was gone, long before you ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The punishment won’t match the crime ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there’s no pain
that could ever explain ♪ ♪ How I let you down ♪ ♪ And If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The mountain I would have to climb ♪ ♪ Is so high up that I would have to die ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪ ♪ I failed you once,
and I will fail again ♪ ♪ Does he see a father ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t even bother ♪ ♪ To get to know him ♪ ♪ To really know his soul ♪ ♪ And his role ♪ ♪ Maybe he’s happy ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have any idea ♪ ♪ Maybe the route ♪ ♪ Is simply in ending the drought ♪ ♪ Why not find out ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ Or if I fail to recognize ♪ ♪ What you need or when you need me ♪ ♪ To be around ♪ ♪ And if I fail you to hear your voice ♪ ♪ Or if I make the easy choice ♪ ♪ The world would tear
asunder drowning all ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪ ♪ I failed you once ♪ ♪ And I would fail again ♪ ♪ When I turned nine, we
went to the 99 cent store ♪ ♪ I wanted a pop gun that
looked they used in the corps ♪ ♪ Knowing my dad, I knew
the chance was slim ♪ ♪ He got me the cheaper dagger ♪ ♪ But deep down it didn’t matter ♪ ♪ I was with him ♪ ♪ Where’s Tim ♪ ♪ She used to like bars ♪ ♪ She liked to loosen me up
just to get at my heart ♪ ♪ She’d poke at each of my
wounds to see what I’d say ♪ ♪ And now she’s doing the same ♪ ♪ And then flash ♪ ♪ And then flash ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The punishment won’t match the crime ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there’s no pain
that could ever explain ♪ ♪ How I let you down ♪ ♪ And If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The mountain I would have to climb ♪ ♪ Is so high up that I would have to die ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪ ♪ I failed you once ♪ ♪ But I won’t fail again ♪ – [Wiggly] No, Tom, listen to me. Tickle my belly-well, stay
asleep, stay in Drowsy Town. – You’re not that cute, are you? In fact, you’re real fuckin’ ugly. (audience cheering) – He’s gone, Lex, I think I’m awake. But your sister and Becky, they took them. – To Linda, she’s gonna
kill them, Mr. Houston. – No, she won’t, we won’t let her. Here, you’re holding that wrong. (gun clicks) all right, let’s go. – Fuck yeah, should we
move these boxes first? – Fuck yeah. (audience cheering) – Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig! – Yes, Gerald, I’m about to get the doll. Yes, they found the child. No, I’m not going to put
you on speaker, Gerald. No one wants to talk to you. Yes, bring the heretics to me! (laughs) Becky Barnes,
why am I not surprised? Of course I’d find you here clinging to your antiquated sense of justice. Protecting this child because you can’t have any of your own. Becky, wake up, belittling you isn’t fun if you’re not upset. Huh, she’s drunk, again. The only man that’ll have
her now is Jack Daniels. Ha, get her out of my sight! And you, you little shit. For too long you have kept
the shepherd from his flock. – [Hannah] Uh, magic
hat, nothing can hurt me. – (laughs) You little fool. You think this is going to
protect you, a magic hat? That’s ridiculous, only dolls are magic! And I’ll be taking mine,
thank you very much. (giggles) What, is this some kind of a joke? Where is he, answer me! Or I’ll open your mouth
with my fucking knife! – Hey! – Prophet, there! – The god! – Is this what you’re lookin’ for, – He’s radiant. – He’s beautiful. – I haven’t changed my mind, little girl. I still want you dead. (laughs) And I thought
your sister was stupid. Coming into the lion’s den, completely outnumbered, with a doll? You’re a fucking moron! – Then you’ve been out-foxed
by a fuckin’ moron. Back off, let the kid go. – The prophet! – Blasphemer! – You have no idea what you’re doing. – Everyone, listen to me,
this doll is not your god. It’s not gonna fix your miserable lives! This cult of comfort is bullshit! If Wiggly is your god, then let him try and stop me from doing this. (people gasping)
– No! (Linda screaming) – [All] Oh. ♪ I hear his voice ♪ ♪ I feel his power ♪ ♪ I see his kingdom and
his plans laid out for me ♪ ♪ Oh, he’s mine, mine,
mine to follow his orders ♪ ♪ Oh, it’s my, my, my monument to build ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle,
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggly,
wiggle my way to his side ♪ ♪ And all will know when darkness comes ♪ ♪ Over Wiggly’s kingdom ♪ ♪ That I’m the one who
wronged what’s right ♪ ♪ My god awaits ♪ ♪ His cyclopian gateway ♪ ♪ He awaits ♪ ♪ A portal that ushers in all
sounds and sights unseen ♪ ♪ Oh, he’s my, my god
to love and to worship ♪ ♪ Oh, it’s my, my job to
prepare for his birth ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle,
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggle,
wiggly my way to his side ♪ ♪ Oh the plans he has for you and me ♪ ♪ Me more favorably ♪ ♪ The earth is lookin’ good and ripe ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly
comes, when Wiggly comes ♪ ♪ He will rise up ♪ ♪ With joyful noise ♪ ♪ He’ll turn dust to ash ♪ ♪ And dust to ash ♪ ♪ And dust to ash ♪ ♪ And dust ♪ ♪ He will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When he comes, he’ll come for us ♪ ♪ When he comes, he’ll come immortal ♪ ♪ Through the portal ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Ah, damn ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle,
wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggle,
wiggle my way to his side ♪ ♪ All the wills that
he will have to bend ♪ ♪ Oh, when he ascends ♪ ♪ The best of all fwendy-wends ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When he comes ♪ (audience cheering) – Hey! – (laughs) Becky Barnes,
you pathetic worm! You think you can stop the birth of a god? You couldn’t even stand up
to your disgusting husband! Look at you, you’re paralyzed with fear! – No. I’m just lining up my shot. (gun fires) – The prophet. – Oh, mother. (all crying)
– Oh god. – Gerald, yeah, it’s Gary, yeah. We gotta talk about the will. Goldstein. (all wailing) – Tom, are you all right, girls? – All right, let’s get
the hell outta here. – You have two choices, abandon your god or burn here with him. (lighter clicks) – No.
– No, he’s burning! – I’m Wiggly, I’m the prophet now! – I’ll kill you! – The fire! (all screaming)
(somber music) (gentle music) – The fire, it spread so fast. – The whole mall’s comin’ down. – Good. (car horn honking) – Tom, Tom, oh my god, you’re alive! – Emma, Pat? – Paul. – What are you guys
doing here, where’s Tim? – Well, he’s in the car, he’s fine. – We saw what happened
to Lakeside on the news. – Yeah, and it’s not just Hatchetfield, the whole world has gone crazy. – Somebody nuked Moscow! The news was saying it
might be World War III until the news went out. – We were sure you were gone. We were gonna take Tim, get out of town. But he wouldn’t let us,
all he wanted was you. – Emma, I’ve been
avoiding it for too long. But I think it’s time we finally sit down as a family and talk about Jane. – That sounds great, Tom,
let’s talk on the move. – Well, where can we go, is anyplace safe? – You know, I have this kooky,
reclusive biology professor. (audience cheering) He lives at the edge of town. His whole house is like a
panic room, we could go there. – That’s a great idea, Emma. – Well, I hope he doesn’t mind
us showing up unannounced. We can’t call him, the
phones stopped working. I don’t even know what time it is. What am I supposed to
do without my iPhone? – Wear a watch. – It’s 11:57, Black Friday’s almost over. I feel like if we can survive today, we can survive anything. (clock ticking) ♪ Do you all see what I see ♪ ♪ What I know ♪ ♪ What I see ♪ ♪ Do you all see the memories ♪ ♪ Tomorrow reminds me ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won’t come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won’t come ♪ ♪ Will tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ And turn the light off ♪ ♪ Do you all see what I see ♪ ♪ What I know ♪ ♪ What I see ♪ ♪ Do you all see the memories ♪ ♪ Tomorrow reminds me ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won’t come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won’t come ♪ ♪ Will tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ And turn the light off ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ And there’s no one to stay ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break ♪ ♪ And there’s no one to stay ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ And takes the night away ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ And takes the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ (suspenseful music)
– Here we go. – 15 seconds left. – Nine. – Seven. – Five. – Three. – Two. ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ (eerie music)

100 thoughts on “Black Friday”

  • Audrey Wheelock says:

    Things I loved:
    -ethan green. Just everything he said and did
    – Frank (especially our doors are open)
    – Paul and Emma are back
    – Linda and everything she said and did
    – Jon as a lawyer was perfection
    – Jeff's "fuck you!" when they're in the line to buy a wiggly (right before feast or famine)
    – that first scene with the president where they're arguing over the wiggly
    – MacNamara being back
    – all of the cameos in general (homeless guy, hc boy, Charlotte and Ted, etc)
    – Robert and Lauren reuniting as the dancing duo of my dreams in deck the halls of northville high
    – the whole movie within a musical idea
    – Ethan green being paternal
    – Sherman's religious ravings
    – "yes I fucking see him!"
    – smoke gang motions in califorMIA
    – Linda being the Divine prophet
    – "Webby is a stupid bitch"
    – how the tinsel stuff looks like wiggly in the black and white
    – Robert's soldier sunglasses
    – "only dolls are magic"

    Feel free to add to the list

  • just finished this and my brain's short circuiting see me with your theories later I need to process the fuck out of this beast of a musical for a while

  • Tapirs are under-appreciated says:

    I love Starkid, I really do, but… am I the only one who thinks a lot of the songs (and some scenes) in this just sound unfinished? Not all of them! But way more than usual. They aren't as catchy as their past music, and some of the exposition or transitions into songs feel really, really forced. The acting is wonderful with what they're given, though. (The ending was absolutely chilling though! "If I Fail" and "What if Tomorrow" are BRILLIANT and I just wish the rest of the show had the same polish.)
    And Jeff's singing… I don't understand. He was amazing as SweetTooth and Aladdin, but it seems like lately he keeps writing songs for himself that are so insanely out of his range that it's painful to listen to, and he forces so much unneeded vibrato that it's almost hard to figure out what tune he's trying to sing. I don't get it, because he's INSANELY talented both as a writer and performer, but he keeps writing songs for himself that show literally none of his talent (What Do You Want Paul, Dysentery World, Black and White). Like 1:03:07 is just one example of his voice being so strained that my throat feels sympathy pains from the sound. Jeff, honey… just because you're chaos incarnate doesn't mean you can get away with lack of breath or pitch control. Order and control IS good at times, and from past performance, we all know you're more than capable of it!!
    I'm just really upset because I know they worked so hard on this and I feel guilty for not liking it as much as I should.

  • God damn Kendall Yakshe (Hannah Foster) did not get enough song time and I hope she has more in future shows. Her voice is Beautiful.

  • peacelovechocolate says:

    2:16:31 what an honor to have your name in starkid’s credits as “crispy” that’s iconic

    2:16:53 also lumpy-head, u the real mvp

  • Lindon Coleman says:

    Okay Robert playing Ethan solidifies my thoughts that he should play JD in the Heathers musical on Broadway. He would be so good. Secondly when Howard enters the black and white he hears General Macnamara ask him what's going on and then someone says "do you see?" Was that the general or was it Wilbur? I may be hearing it wrong but I heard 'Do you see' not 'what do you see'


  • EmmaKayIsNotOk says:

    Shows Starkid needs to make that they have the basic concept for and if they were to make absolutely none of us would argue
    -Working Boyz (from TGWDLM)
    -Santa Goes To High School


  • Miranda Leavitt says:

    I 100% believe the reason the audience laughed when Joey bit into the apple is because they've all seen the cinimasins trope of 'Lets make him bite into an apple to make him look like even more of an asshole.'

  • Klarysa Hawrot says:

    I love the inclusion of the Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals characters at the end. Kinda like an easter egg. It was funny

  • okay so like I dunno if I’m just going crazy but I keep hearing “America is great again” in the background

  • Mommio To The Rescue says:

    Theory: I think “The guy who didn’t like musicals” was one day and then whenever the sun went down it restarts the clock and another story
    happens like “Black Friday” it would make sense because of the references and nobody remembers but certain people in hatchet field remember or have like flashback to the past musicals. Maybe professor could have remembered “working boys: the musical ” from a different day of the timeline and each day hatchet field goes into a different dimension to restart the time line?

  • I love that this whole musical is basically a love letter to Stephen King/80s horror. Joey's Wilbur Cross is honestly the best depiction of Randall Flagg/ Walter o'Dim put to screen.

    Yes, including Matthew McConaughey's in Dark Tower. Screw that movie for ruining my favorite book series.

  • gotta be honest, not my favorite show of starkids. are my friend and i the only ones who did not like this or are the negetive comments being filtered?

  • Sophia Torres says:

    anyone else catch the avpm reference at 44:26 when the toy is taken from lauren and she checks her nose for blood?

  • Is no one curious as to exactly WHAT THE FUCK IS "WEBBY"? we know it's a female-coded spider-like entity that warns Hannah about Wiggly. What's up with that?

  • TrueJustice 620 says:

    2:00:16 And so the warrior of light is awoken, not by the tumultuous thunder of threatened force, but by bold, illuminating strikes of the undeniable truth.

  • Annie Fizzell says:

    okay, I might just be st00pid, but I just realized that the pins on Uncle Wiley’s jacket are starkid pins

  • taako y'know? from tv? says:


    Just realized when Hannah said "don't do it, two doors not one" at around 46:45 , it was foreshadowing to there being two portals, and that they shouldn't have sent the missile

  • So I am still processing my feelings for this show. There is a lot of things I really love, but a lot of things I'm still unsure of. It took me a long time to decide what I felt about Lex. I kept thinking to myself, "How would Mariah have done it?" That is totally unfair to Angela. She killed it!! She is so completely different from Mariah, that this shouldn't even be a conversation. Angela was an excellent choice for this part; she is a great addition to the Starkid family. I have other thoughts, but this is most important, for me anyway…

  • 《ally archer》 says:

    Third Hatchetfield play; the TGWDLM and BF characters go to the dimension to prevent the death of Jane. They're able to go to that dimension through the Black and White. BF dimension Tom gets very emotional when seeing Jane but he can't go to her and talk to her because she isn't his Jane. Emma as well, all she wants to do is talk to Jane and tell her that she's grateful and admires Jane's life despite her being envious and jealous of Jane being perfect. Lex and Hannah are key characters and lead the characters to Jane to help prevent her death while keeping the others safe as well. Hidgens comes back and is the villain as he senses that people jumped into his dimension to prevent the apocalypse, but he wants to see which one of his apocalypse theories are right. And yeah.

  • Timestamps! Since they took down the album I figured I'd just help myself out and whoever else needs it!
    Wiggly Jingle – 0:27
    What Tim Wants – 10:29
    Califor-MIA – 23:54
    What Do You Say – 31:48
    Our Doors are Open – 35:20
    Feast or Famine – 42:35
    Monsters and Men – 59:06
    ACT II
    Deck the Halls(of Northville High) – 1:03:20
    Take Me Back – 1:13:38
    Adore Me – 1:26:46
    Do You Want to Play – 1:32:49
    Made in America – 1:39:50
    Black Friday – 1:48:14
    Men and Monsters (Reprise) – 1:52:15
    If I Fail You – 1:56:38
    Wiggle – 2:05:18
    What if Tomorrow Comes – 2:12:34

  • Courtney Park says:

    I haven't googled this, so correct me if I'm wrong, but the most amazing/confusing part of Black Friday is that the whole plot of Santa Claus goes to High School isn't actually a real Christmas film. It's like a 17 Again/21 Jump Street type film. It would not be real bad.

  • Sophii Sherman says:

    I just realized Hannah goes “don’t do it, two doors not one.” In the middle of act one. She’s talking about sending the nuke through and I didn’t even catch it🤦🏼‍♀️

    Edit: 1:46:12

  • Myra Claibourne says:

    47:21 I'm legit so soft, he just said what's shaking banana in the softest FRICKING voice, IM GONNA DIE!!?! ROBERT IS THE ONLY SOFT BOO EVER IM HEADING TO MY GRAVE LEMME KNOW IF THERES ANYTHIN YOU NEED

  • Jester of War says:

    "Yeah we could use some security at the toy store, I just saw some very attractive bearded man yell 'Chaos Reigns!' He then proceeded to raise his arms in the air and walk in circles."

  • Jonathan Jimenez says:

    So I had a thought watching this the second time through, I’m gonna talk about something completely different for a sec but stay with me. There’s this show, The Magicians, and spoiler alert they find out that a powerful magician has been making time loops but slightly changing the events to try to give the main characters a chance to defeat the villain of the first season. So I was thinking what if that’s what’s happening here? What if Hatchetfield is kind of stuck in a timeloop where things slightly change to try to stop the apocalypse but the apocalypse just ends up coming in another way? It would explain why Paul and Emma are similar characters from TGWDLM but don’t seem to have the trauma of those events. But anyways watch The Magicians and thank you for coming to my TED talk

  • This feels likes the most immersive and "real" musical they've ever produced. Loving the focus on the dark themes and more subtle humour! It's so heartfelt and you can just feel the passion behind every second of it. Absolutely gives me chills to watch

  • I wasn’t feeling the music until half way through the first act, but now I’m all in. The plot is probably one of the most interesting of their shows though. Just awesome. Not to mention top notch choreo

    Uncle wiley= Wilbur cross
    He says that he was a colonel once(in his conversation with Linda), which would make him the direct superior of general McNamara, and by proxy, his mentor. Also, I think in the black and white he got split into two polar opposites, similar to the name of the dimension. the good part of him is in webby, who helps Hannah, who in other theories has been proven to be his daughter.

  • Okay, but for real though, I am absolutely LIVING for the Hatchetfield Intertwined Musical Universe (HIMU, if you will) that you guys have created!!

  • 0:36 – wiggly jingle
    10:30 – what tim wants
    23:50 – califor M.I.A
    31:46 – what do you say
    35:34 – our doors are open
    42:35 – feast or famine
    59:06 – monsters and men
    1:03:20 – deck the halls
    1:13:36 – take me back
    1:26:46 – i will be adored
    1:33:11 – do you want to play
    1:39:50 – made in america
    1:48:15 – black friday
    1:52:16 – monsters and men (reprise)
    1:56:40 – if i fail you
    2:05:36 – wiggle
    2:12:34 – what if tomorrow comes

  • Whatsup Studmuffin says:

    I spent so much time trying to figure out how this ties in with the guy who didn't like musicals and god dammit It just clicked and it's an alternative universe

  • The filming and like cinematography of this is so gorgeous in some places but honestly I do wish Wiggle was just a wide shot so we could see everything bc y’all who are YouTube viewers only are robbed of seeing all the guys hump the boxes as they carry them which is sUCH an experience. I still haven’t recovered from having Jon Matteson a foot in front of me, tie around his head, gyrating against a box….I screamed out loud in the theatre

  • So they say that people want a wiggly because they think it will fix their problems and at the beginning paul and Emma day they don’t understand the wiggly hype so that means that they are perfectly content in their life/ relationships I’m crying

  • Abbie McPartland says:

    Random theory: could Webby be Jane? It's established that the dead are in the black and white, and she seems to be the thread connecting all the dimensions (with her death in the car crash being theorised to have caused the Groundhog day cycle). Plus, Wiggly and Hannah refer to Webby with very gendered language ("she", "bitch"). Just a random thought

  • this is not important but i will tell you my thought process during the 2 hours 17 minutes and 7 seconds of glory :
    1. i didn't realize how much i miss jeff blim until i saw him
    2. EMMA AND PAUL ???????
    4. i miss when dylan sings asjdfhsd hes so good
    5. coREY DORRIS ahhhhhh i miss him there are so many awesome people here in this musical
    6. "my mom's a bitch" this resonates with me so much
    7. ive known becky barnes for one (1) sec and i already HATE her
    8. i am one whole hour in before i even realized curt mega is there
    10. i absolutely love linda's being a cult leader
    12. "should we move these boxes first" asdkjfhdjks
    13. that long scream lauren did was comedic gold
    15. professor hidgens exists too here askdfhdsjfhskfh

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